• Aries This is a time of deep personal reflection and introspection for you. Which, you have to admit, beats the hell out of looking for a job.
  • Taurus You're a pretty drab, ordinary person, but that doesn't mean you should be settling for such drab, ordinary salads.
  • Gemini You'll be knifed in the throat during an argument over which Mötley Crüe album is the most indispensable, leaving you as wrong as you are dead.
  • Cancer You've long said that if the love of dozens of nurses is a crime, you are guilty. Now, however, it's time to get your opinion on their brutal murders.
  • Leo You will be forgiven for your many sins after a $17.25 donation to your church, leaving you with the feeling that you should really commit some better sins.
  • Virgo Your inhuman thirst for blood will finally be slaked this week, leaving you with just a normal, human thirst for blood.
  • Libra Libra Music Quiz #42: Who sang the classic lyric "Come on, everybody, we're moving to Portland"?
  • Scorpio You've never lost sight of your childhood dreams of rainbow-colored pegasus-unicorns, which makes you a truly formidable geneticist.
  • Sagittarius Maybe it's because you're so baked, but you've watched that ad three dozen times, and you still can't figure out how marijuana got that girl pregnant.
  • Capricorn Sometimes, the things you do just don't come out the way you want, especially when that gun-waving Phil Spector forces you to do it his way.
  • Aquarius Sure, you're dizzy, hot, and dehydrated, but think how much worse it would be if that clothes dryer didn't have a little window to look out of.
  • Pisces After all these years, the world will finally acknowledge that it was you who turned the Beatles on to pot roast.