Horoscope for the week of May 14, 2003

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Aries This is a time of deep personal reflection and introspection for you. Which, you have to admit, beats the hell out of looking for a job.

Taurus You're a pretty drab, ordinary person, but that doesn't mean you should be settling for such drab, ordinary salads.

Gemini You'll be knifed in the throat during an argument over which Mötley Crüe album is the most indispensable, leaving you as wrong as you are dead.

Cancer You've long said that if the love of dozens of nurses is a crime, you are guilty. Now, however, it's time to get your opinion on their brutal murders.

Leo You will be forgiven for your many sins after a $17.25 donation to your church, leaving you with the feeling that you should really commit some better sins.

Virgo Your inhuman thirst for blood will finally be slaked this week, leaving you with just a normal, human thirst for blood.

Libra Libra Music Quiz #42: Who sang the classic lyric "Come on, everybody, we're moving to Portland"?

Scorpio You've never lost sight of your childhood dreams of rainbow-colored pegasus-unicorns, which makes you a truly formidable geneticist.

Sagittarius Maybe it's because you're so baked, but you've watched that ad three dozen times, and you still can't figure out how marijuana got that girl pregnant.

Capricorn Sometimes, the things you do just don't come out the way you want, especially when that gun-waving Phil Spector forces you to do it his way.

Aquarius Sure, you're dizzy, hot, and dehydrated, but think how much worse it would be if that clothes dryer didn't have a little window to look out of.

Pisces After all these years, the world will finally acknowledge that it was you who turned the Beatles on to pot roast.

More Horoscope

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