Aries Your desire for a belt of human nipples wanes when you are told where human nipples come from.
Taurus If it makes you feel any better, red to you is not red to everyone else. Other people's red is slightly deeper and more tasteful.
Gemini You've never asked for much out of life, but you have every reason to be disappointed, anyway.
Cancer An unexpected career change will give you cause to look back fondly on the days when you had no idea who made fat-granny pornography.
Leo Most people believe they're the star of their own story, but you're actually a supporting character in the story of that guy Dave in the design department.
Virgo Everyone wants to live forever, but in your case it would just mean more time being chased by an angry swarm of bees.
Libra You're not actually the lost prince of a world within our own, forced to hide among the surface dwellers to protect yourself from your vengeful uncle. But thinking that may help you somewhat.
Scorpio The age-old war between the sexes will come to an end next week when you unleash your nuclear sex bomb.
Sagittarius If you think happy endings are superficial and unrealistic, you should be pleased with the way it all wraps up next Thursday.
Capricorn The wonder is not how well the bear dances, but that it can dance at all. Still, the bear dances a hell of a lot better than you do.
Aquarius You will devise a scheme that guarantees worldwide peace and prosperity, but it turns out to be unmarketable.
Pisces Lord knows you've tried, but you still can't understand how one person could watch all the high-quality TV they offer.
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