• Aries Your desire for a belt of human nipples wanes when you are told where human nipples come from.
  • Taurus If it makes you feel any better, red to you is not red to everyone else. Other people's red is slightly deeper and more tasteful.
  • Gemini You've never asked for much out of life, but you have every reason to be disappointed, anyway.
  • Cancer An unexpected career change will give you cause to look back fondly on the days when you had no idea who made fat-granny pornography.
  • Leo Most people believe they're the star of their own story, but you're actually a supporting character in the story of that guy Dave in the design department.
  • Virgo Everyone wants to live forever, but in your case it would just mean more time being chased by an angry swarm of bees.
  • Libra You're not actually the lost prince of a world within our own, forced to hide among the surface dwellers to protect yourself from your vengeful uncle. But thinking that may help you somewhat.
  • Scorpio The age-old war between the sexes will come to an end next week when you unleash your nuclear sex bomb.
  • Sagittarius If you think happy endings are superficial and unrealistic, you should be pleased with the way it all wraps up next Thursday.
  • Capricorn The wonder is not how well the bear dances, but that it can dance at all. Still, the bear dances a hell of a lot better than you do.
  • Aquarius You will devise a scheme that guarantees worldwide peace and prosperity, but it turns out to be unmarketable.
  • Pisces Lord knows you've tried, but you still can't understand how one person could watch all the high-quality TV they offer.