• Aries Your death will not be in vain, as it will give the hero a chance to say, "Now, that's what I call using your head."
  • Taurus Though many people say that you are an all-around decent guy, that's only what they say to your face.
  • Gemini You are about to become a small but important player in the exciting game of organ donation.
  • Cancer A stranger approaches you, tells you that your fear of people reading your mind is baseless, and levitates away.
  • Leo The opening of your soul's seven mystic portals will excite you less than the opening of the new Gap Kids store.
  • Virgo Though it's the sign of the virgin, Virgo would like you to know that it is, in fact, experienced. It's just choosy.
  • Libra Your loneliness, isolation, and near-suicidal depression will continue for another six months, causing you to get used to it and actually miss it when it finally goes away.
  • Scorpio You will be the envy of your community when you harness the power of your chi to eat a 60-ounce steak in less than an hour.
  • Sagittarius This is an excellent week for your creative side, spelling doom for your promising career in marketing.
  • Capricorn You suspect that someone is trying to tell you something when your telephone emits an intermittent ringing tone.
  • Aquarius You will make the right choice between a rich, fulfilling social life and rich, filling desserts.
  • Pisces You will nearly die of outrage when you see the bottom-feeding losers who made People's list of America's 100 Most Eligible Bachelors.