Aries Your death will not be in vain, as it will give the hero a chance to say, "Now, that's what I call using your head."
Taurus Though many people say that you are an all-around decent guy, that's only what they say to your face.
Gemini You are about to become a small but important player in the exciting game of organ donation.
Cancer A stranger approaches you, tells you that your fear of people reading your mind is baseless, and levitates away.
Leo The opening of your soul's seven mystic portals will excite you less than the opening of the new Gap Kids store.
Virgo Though it's the sign of the virgin, Virgo would like you to know that it is, in fact, experienced. It's just choosy.
Libra Your loneliness, isolation, and near-suicidal depression will continue for another six months, causing you to get used to it and actually miss it when it finally goes away.
Scorpio You will be the envy of your community when you harness the power of your chi to eat a 60-ounce steak in less than an hour.
Sagittarius This is an excellent week for your creative side, spelling doom for your promising career in marketing.
Capricorn You suspect that someone is trying to tell you something when your telephone emits an intermittent ringing tone.
Aquarius You will make the right choice between a rich, fulfilling social life and rich, filling desserts.
Pisces You will nearly die of outrage when you see the bottom-feeding losers who made People's list of America's 100 Most Eligible Bachelors.
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