Aries Everything you attempt this week will end in failure, which is a considerable improvement over that one week last year when everything ended in multiple births.
Taurus You will be unable to have anything more than a simple Platonic relationship, so long as you resemble a simple Platonic solid.
Gemini You have always believed that love and compassion can heal all of life’s wounds, but that was before you were decapitated.
Cancer The man on TV said acid would corrupt America’s youth. But according to your experiences and observations, he must have meant “corrode.”
Leo Hint: When people ask you to stop doing that one thing you do, they generally mean your whole life.
Virgo You will soon leave this world the way you entered it: screaming in the backseat of a blood-soaked taxi.
Libra You will find proof of your crackpot theory that the phone company controls all the phones.
Scorpio Mercury rising in Scorpio indicates that you will soon rent Mercury Rising.
Sagittarius God appears to you and says that, although He doesn’t mind you using His name in vain, He strongly objects to your using it to get into nightclubs.
Capricorn Never doubt that the stars control your destiny. After all, you certainly don’t.
Aquarius It’s high time you made a contribution to society. Leave a bag of unwanted canned goods at its service entrance.
Pisces Upon unearthing your well-preserved remains, future archaeologists will be overjoyed that they didn’t live now.
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