• Aries Everything you attempt this week will end in failure, which is a considerable improvement over that one week last year when everything ended in multiple births.
  • Taurus You will be unable to have anything more than a simple Platonic relationship, so long as you resemble a simple Platonic solid.
  • Gemini You have always believed that love and compassion can heal all of life’s wounds, but that was before you were decapitated.
  • Cancer The man on TV said acid would corrupt America’s youth. But according to your experiences and observations, he must have meant “corrode.”
  • Leo Hint: When people ask you to stop doing that one thing you do, they generally mean your whole life.
  • Virgo You will soon leave this world the way you entered it: screaming in the backseat of a blood-soaked taxi.
  • Libra You will find proof of your crackpot theory that the phone company controls all the phones.
  • Scorpio Mercury rising in Scorpio indicates that you will soon rent Mercury Rising.
  • Sagittarius God appears to you and says that, although He doesn’t mind you using His name in vain, He strongly objects to your using it to get into nightclubs.
  • Capricorn Never doubt that the stars control your destiny. After all, you certainly don’t.
  • Aquarius It’s high time you made a contribution to society. Leave a bag of unwanted canned goods at its service entrance.
  • Pisces Upon unearthing your well-preserved remains, future archaeologists will be overjoyed that they didn’t live now.