Horoscope for the week of May 19, 2004

Horoscope ISSUE 40•20 May 19, 2004
  • Aries Your insistence that no one can possibly know how you feel right now will only point out how pathetic it is to be dumped by three bearded ladies in a row.
  • Taurus It will be difficult to explain why you thought the guard dogs would make an exception for you.
  • Gemini There is indeed a secret to happiness in life, but you mustn't assume that it's the kind of secret that would make you happier if you knew it.
  • Cancer Even the people who love you most call you cold and unapproachable, but that's the price you pay for being the north face of the Eiger.
  • Leo You've never been the type of person who can be bound by society's silly rules, which is why they use all those silly ropes and chains.
  • Virgo The weather will be fairly nice this Saturday, but trust us, that won't be what they'll be talking about in the news.
  • Libra The black widow spider does not have the most powerful venom of any spider in the world, but it's still going to do quite a number on your legs.
  • Scorpio Once again, your alma mater refuses to honor your achievements, instead toasting some guy who won something called the Pulitzer Prize.
  • Sagittarius They say there's nothing new under the sun, so it'll come as no surprise when this week turns out to be exactly like the third week of July 1997.
  • Capricorn You'll be ridiculed by your fellow citizens for merely standing on the street corner and shouting at the top of your lungs that the world is evil.
  • Aquarius Not everyone finds the kind of love they want. Then again, so far, no one has had to settle for you, either.
  • Pisces Your confusing the Spanish words "abogado" and "bodega" will lead to your having the worst legal counsel in Mexico next week.