Aries You tend to fly into a rage over the smallest problems. Fortunately, you'll encounter only huge disasters this week.
Taurus Sun Tzu said that victory without conflict is the ultimate success for any general. That said, be prepared to lose a bloody battle with your weight.
Gemini What you're feeling now hurts, there's no denying that. But try to remember that, when he died, Joey Ramone was writing songs about his stock portfolio.
Cancer You tend to hate and fear that which you do not understand. But since you're such a big genius, your hatred and fear of soap must come from some other source, Mr. Stinky.
Leo This week, you will find that, contrary to popular belief, the unexamined life is quite worth living.
Virgo Sometimes, you have to do things you just don't want to do. Try to figure out a way not to do these things.
Libra The problem with people like you isn't that you love too much. It's what you love that gets you brought up on charges.
Scorpio You're more than just a collection of annoying, loosely bundled neuroses. There are some entertaining, tightly wound psychoses in there, too.
Sagittarius To answer your repeated queries: Yes, the stars can see your house from up here.
Capricorn Attempts will be made to compare thee to a summer's day, but after the part about the temperature being 98.6º, the metaphor breaks down.
Aquarius You will be reincarnated as a being whose status is commensurate with your behavior in your last life. Enjoy governing Texas, you nurse-murdering bastard.
Pisces Remember: Just because you read it in a book doesn't mean it's true. There's no such thing as a "John Updike."
0