• Aries You tend to fly into a rage over the smallest problems. Fortunately, you'll encounter only huge disasters this week.
  • Taurus Sun Tzu said that victory without conflict is the ultimate success for any general. That said, be prepared to lose a bloody battle with your weight.
  • Gemini What you're feeling now hurts, there's no denying that. But try to remember that, when he died, Joey Ramone was writing songs about his stock portfolio.
  • Cancer You tend to hate and fear that which you do not understand. But since you're such a big genius, your hatred and fear of soap must come from some other source, Mr. Stinky.
  • Leo This week, you will find that, contrary to popular belief, the unexamined life is quite worth living.
  • Virgo Sometimes, you have to do things you just don't want to do. Try to figure out a way not to do these things.
  • Libra The problem with people like you isn't that you love too much. It's what you love that gets you brought up on charges.
  • Scorpio You're more than just a collection of annoying, loosely bundled neuroses. There are some entertaining, tightly wound psychoses in there, too.
  • Sagittarius To answer your repeated queries: Yes, the stars can see your house from up here.
  • Capricorn Attempts will be made to compare thee to a summer's day, but after the part about the temperature being 98.6º, the metaphor breaks down.
  • Aquarius You will be reincarnated as a being whose status is commensurate with your behavior in your last life. Enjoy governing Texas, you nurse-murdering bastard.
  • Pisces Remember: Just because you read it in a book doesn't mean it's true. There's no such thing as a "John Updike."