Horoscope for the week of May 20, 1998

Horoscope ISSUE 33•19 May 20, 1998
  • Aries Everything will go well for you this week until Thursday, when a starving elephant smells the peanut-butter sandwich in your stomach.
  • Taurus You will return home early from a hard day at work to discover that your children have been cheating on you with a different set of parents.
  • Gemini Mars transversing the Twins indicates that the stars are very, very disappointed in you.
  • Cancer This week shall be trying and fraught with peril. Take heart from a past life, in which you were a servile, sycophantic file clerk for Edward III.
  • Leo In a strange twist of fate, you will notice that your life is beginning to follow the plot of Battle Beyond The Stars, starring George Peppard as Cowboy.
  • Virgo The stars have discovered the cause of your ongoing string of heart attacks: Your heart has conspired with your wife to kill you and retire to France with the insurance money.
  • Libra You will need extra soft drinks around the house this week, as being hunted for your scalp by mutant hunter-chimps from an alternate future is thirsty work.
  • Scorpio Cheer up: Though this week will not go as you had planned, setting a world's record for quickest death by leprosy will make you a household name.
  • Sagittarius After careful consideration of your case, Sagittarius has decided you are not the sort of person it is looking for.
  • Capricorn Venus in your sign indicates that, due to your extreme vanity, you probably think this horoscope is about you.
  • Aquarius You will experience bizarre "waking dreams" in which you are plodding hopelessly through a dreary life.
  • Pisces The Fates counsel you that things could be worse. However, they are lying in order to spare your feelings.