Horoscope for the week of May 20, 1998

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Aries Everything will go well for you this week until Thursday, when a starving elephant smells the peanut-butter sandwich in your stomach.

Taurus You will return home early from a hard day at work to discover that your children have been cheating on you with a different set of parents.

Gemini Mars transversing the Twins indicates that the stars are very, very disappointed in you.

Cancer This week shall be trying and fraught with peril. Take heart from a past life, in which you were a servile, sycophantic file clerk for Edward III.

Leo In a strange twist of fate, you will notice that your life is beginning to follow the plot of Battle Beyond The Stars, starring George Peppard as Cowboy.

Virgo The stars have discovered the cause of your ongoing string of heart attacks: Your heart has conspired with your wife to kill you and retire to France with the insurance money.

Libra You will need extra soft drinks around the house this week, as being hunted for your scalp by mutant hunter-chimps from an alternate future is thirsty work.

Scorpio Cheer up: Though this week will not go as you had planned, setting a world's record for quickest death by leprosy will make you a household name.

Sagittarius After careful consideration of your case, Sagittarius has decided you are not the sort of person it is looking for.

Capricorn Venus in your sign indicates that, due to your extreme vanity, you probably think this horoscope is about you.

Aquarius You will experience bizarre "waking dreams" in which you are plodding hopelessly through a dreary life.

Pisces The Fates counsel you that things could be worse. However, they are lying in order to spare your feelings.

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