Horoscope for the week of May 22, 2002

Horoscope ISSUE 38•19 May 22, 2002
  • Aries It may be years before your coworkers treat you with respect again, but it will have been worth it for the brief time spent in the panda suit.
  • Taurus The gods will punish you for your hubris and arrogance by introducing you to someone who makes richer, creamier mashed potatoes than you.
  • Gemini You've been through a lot of trying times in your life, but one of the hardest to get over will be the day you learn that Jar-Jar is now a senator.
  • Cancer As you look back on your life as a squirrel, your only regret is that you let others discourage you from pursuing your dream of waterskiing professionally.
  • Leo You will be upgraded with improved graphics and greater ease of use, but processor speed remains a problem.
  • Virgo Awesome forces beyond your control will continue to cause pictures and sounds to emanate from your TV.
  • Libra The stars foresee profound changes ahead for Libra, but they insist on describing them in vague, non-specific terms.
  • Scorpio As the June issue of Vogue says, being fashion-forward in every aspect of your life is easier than ever. However, this assurance merely serves to confuse you.
  • Sagittarius Your fear of being assassinated is groundless. Important figures are assassinated; you will be beaten to death with a rake behind the Safeway.
  • Capricorn You've tried and tried, but there seems to be no way for you to safely extricate yourself from the welded-on one-man-band outfit.
  • Aquarius Advocates for the homeless will soon make you a very tempting membership offer
  • Pisces You can't, for the life of you, understand why nobody sees through Drew Barrymore's obvious façade.