Aries It may be years before your coworkers treat you with respect again, but it will have been worth it for the brief time spent in the panda suit.
Taurus The gods will punish you for your hubris and arrogance by introducing you to someone who makes richer, creamier mashed potatoes than you.
Gemini You've been through a lot of trying times in your life, but one of the hardest to get over will be the day you learn that Jar-Jar is now a senator.
Cancer As you look back on your life as a squirrel, your only regret is that you let others discourage you from pursuing your dream of waterskiing professionally.
Leo You will be upgraded with improved graphics and greater ease of use, but processor speed remains a problem.
Virgo Awesome forces beyond your control will continue to cause pictures and sounds to emanate from your TV.
Libra The stars foresee profound changes ahead for Libra, but they insist on describing them in vague, non-specific terms.
Scorpio As the June issue of Vogue says, being fashion-forward in every aspect of your life is easier than ever. However, this assurance merely serves to confuse you.
Sagittarius Your fear of being assassinated is groundless. Important figures are assassinated; you will be beaten to death with a rake behind the Safeway.
Capricorn You've tried and tried, but there seems to be no way for you to safely extricate yourself from the welded-on one-man-band outfit.
Aquarius Advocates for the homeless will soon make you a very tempting membership offer
Pisces You can't, for the life of you, understand why nobody sees through Drew Barrymore's obvious façade.
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