• Aries Narrow-mindedness and jealousy on the part of your coworkers will lead them to denounce your neckties.
  • Taurus All of your hard work and planning will come to nothing if you don't remember to wipe your prints off the tire iron.
  • Gemini Even the mighty Ozymandias was brought low by time. If possible, live your life without this mysterious phenomenon.
  • Cancer Cancer and the StarCrab logo are the property of Zodiacorp Enterprises and may not be used without the company's express written permission.
  • Leo Though you appreciate the undergarment-related efforts of Inspector 12, it's unsettling when her little sticker starts showing up all over your house.
  • Virgo Your attempt to revolutionize the world of art backfires when you realize that people have been photographing naked ladies for years.
  • Libra Your outgoing nature, sweet temperament, and love of family are in no way evident outside of your description as a Libra.
  • Scorpio Though you've tried to impose your full will upon them, you still lack control over the inhabitants of your aquarium.
  • Sagittarius It's not true that no one hears your cries for help. They hear and ignore your cries for help.
  • Capricorn Your plan to put on a fun dance show to raise money will save your financially threatened strip club.
  • Aquarius Earth magick is strong in your sign this week. You know, if there were such a thing as shit magick, it'd probably be pretty strong in your sign, too.
  • Pisces It's true that Pisces is a water sign, but that won't help you survive the crushing black depths of the Marianas Trench.