Aries Though it's noble that you became an accounts adjuster to make the world a better place, it remains unclear exactly how that's going to happen.
Taurus Your problem isn't merely that you love your money more than you love your friends, but that you only have a few hundred bucks.
Gemini Keep in mind that it's important to set goals so you feel appropriately pathetic when you fail to achieve them.
Cancer "You'll make major waves in the show-biz world when you launch a show called The E! Completely Fabricated Hollywood Story."
Leo Heartbreak is in the stars for you this week when the woman of your dreams confesses she cannot love a man with such an unholy appetite for pie.
Virgo You've had your picture in the paper before, but never in connection with a catastrophic bridge collapse.
Libra Your colleagues will begin referring to you as the greatest mind they've ever encountered, in much the same way people call the fat guy Tiny.
Scorpio Sometimes, one must be cruel to be kind. From now on, it's best to assume this is the case until proven otherwise.
Sagittarius You've spent your whole life running from yourself, but considering that it's a murderous cyborg version of yourself from an alternate-universe post-nuclear future, that's understandable.
Capricorn Some problems can't be solved by retreating into drugs and alcohol, but thankfully, yours aren't that kind.
Aquarius A team of paramedics won't have the heart to revive you after finding your gin- and sex-drenched body floating happily in a country-club pool.
Pisces Remember, it's not how hard you beat the goat, but whether the goat you're beating is on fire.
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