• Aries Your prayers have finally been answered. Unfortunately, they're your prayers from 20 years ago. Start looking for a place to put all the ponies.
  • Taurus You will achieve a certain sort of renown for your brief stint as host of the Animal Planet program The Crocodile Hunted.
  • Gemini Your career as a plastic surgeon is in danger of coming to a premature end this week, when you confront your arch-enemy, the dreaded Steel Surgeon.
  • Cancer You're rapidly becoming known as the office peacemaker, thanks to your ownership of a long-barreled, .44 caliber Colt Peacemaker.
  • Leo You will, through no doing of your own, receive as much as 10 percent off on a major purchase.
  • Virgo You'll become the most popular thing in South Florida when the bigger bonefish start hitting hooks baited with you.
  • Libra There's probably an easier way to get through life, but at this point you've gotten used to using the shovel.
  • Scorpio Everyone knows you're the one who murdered the Dell Computer dude, but relax: There isn't a jury in the world that'd convict you.
  • Sagittarius Your entire month will be ruined when a so-called "very special guest" turns out to be Alec Baldwin.
  • Capricorn It's been almost three decades, but you think you're finally beginning to recover from the long, national nightmare of Vietnam movies.
  • Aquarius Though you think of yourself as quite the character, Charles Dickens once said he would only give you eight or nine thousand words.
  • Pisces It's been said that there are only two things that come out of Texas: steers and queers. You're going to change all that.