Aries Your prayers have finally been answered. Unfortunately, they're your prayers from 20 years ago. Start looking for a place to put all the ponies.
Taurus You will achieve a certain sort of renown for your brief stint as host of the Animal Planet program The Crocodile Hunted.
Gemini Your career as a plastic surgeon is in danger of coming to a premature end this week, when you confront your arch-enemy, the dreaded Steel Surgeon.
Cancer You're rapidly becoming known as the office peacemaker, thanks to your ownership of a long-barreled, .44 caliber Colt Peacemaker.
Leo You will, through no doing of your own, receive as much as 10 percent off on a major purchase.
Virgo You'll become the most popular thing in South Florida when the bigger bonefish start hitting hooks baited with you.
Libra There's probably an easier way to get through life, but at this point you've gotten used to using the shovel.
Scorpio Everyone knows you're the one who murdered the Dell Computer dude, but relax: There isn't a jury in the world that'd convict you.
Sagittarius Your entire month will be ruined when a so-called "very special guest" turns out to be Alec Baldwin.
Capricorn It's been almost three decades, but you think you're finally beginning to recover from the long, national nightmare of Vietnam movies.
Aquarius Though you think of yourself as quite the character, Charles Dickens once said he would only give you eight or nine thousand words.
Pisces It's been said that there are only two things that come out of Texas: steers and queers. You're going to change all that.
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