• Aries You will lose all credibility when it is revealed that, contrary to your claims, your life is not based on a true story.
  • Taurus Though you don't remember your past, you're not doomed to repeat it. This is because you don't matter much in the grand scheme of things.
  • Gemini Everyone enjoys seeing their name in print, but that is not a good reason to change your name to Janet Reno.
  • Cancer Low-cholesterol diets are of little help to people like yourself who are destined to die in airplane crashes.
  • Leo It's high time you let go of your obsession with the unwholesome intentions Bluto has toward Olive Oyl.
  • Virgo Mars and Mercury in your sign doesn't always mean you'll be hit by a truck, but this time it does.
  • Libra Your expanding consciousness will bring you deeper and deeper understanding of the universe until your head bursts like an overripe melon.
  • Scorpio Your full potential for greatness will never be realized unless you shun pointless conflict. This may never happen, however, as you are Northern Ireland.
  • Sagittarius The stars indicate that this is not a good week to start a new love affair. It's a fine week, however, to continue being just good friends.
  • Capricorn If walking a mile in another's shoes is good, riding unseen in the back of their car for a mile is even better.
  • Aquarius You've got it half right: Though professional wrestling is fake, it is not done with cleverly trained poodles.
  • Pisces The consoling remark, "Hey, everybody dies," is, on second thought, not very consoling at all.