Horoscope for the week of May 30, 2001

Horoscope ISSUE 37•20 May 30, 2001
  • Aries You're known to all as a person who doesn't bother hiding her feeling. That's not a typo. You've only got one.
  • Taurus Don't go around wondering what people say about you. If you knew, you'd only learn a lot of unpleasant things about yourself.
  • Gemini Remember, really cool people don't need drugs to have a good time. They need to take drugs to have a good time.
  • Cancer The funny thing about next Monday won't seem very funny to you, but rest assured that it'll be hilarious to the bartender, the coroner, and all the monkeys.
  • Leo A prospective employer, during the course of a job interview, will ask you what you believe to be your worst quality, a question which leads inexorably to his suicide some days later.
  • Virgo All things considered, it's a good thing you aren't in the prostitution business for the money.
  • Libra Your superhero career is born when a knock on the head from a radioactive evergreen tree gives you the proportionate strength and speed of a Douglas fir.
  • Scorpio The next few days will be a good time for the Zodiac to take some time for itself and get things done. Scorpio has a life outside of you, you know.
  • Sagittarius Surprisingly enough, the end of your life will include 20 minutes of credits, copyright information, and a rather sad zither-based closing theme.
  • Capricorn You will have a sudden flash of insight in the bathtub and run down the street enlightened, exultant, and naked, only to find out it's been done.
  • Aquarius The old saying, "It'll never heal if you pick at it," will save your life this week.
  • Pisces Don't worry: There will be very little pain, and it will be over almost instantly. However, "it" in this instance refers to lunch.