Aries You will suddenly, mercifully pass away during your dinner date's lecture on the spathic qualities of igneous rocks.
Taurus The presence of Mercury in your sign indicates that this will be a good week for you, but the presence of mercury in your tap water says otherwise.
Gemini You will dashingly send out for an enchanting pizza and fall gloriously asleep in front of the majestic television.
Cancer A mysterious voice from the distant '70s will repeatedly exhort you to do it 'til you're satisfied.
Leo Stop worrying about the effect the asteroids are having on your horoscope. It's just plain unscientific.
Virgo It's true: Nobody appreciates an attractive, well-made vinyl floor covering more than you.
Libra You are actually the reincarnated spirit of the Greek hero Ulysses, which actually isn't very good news for you, your wife, your dog, or several of your fellow sailors.
Scorpio You don't know the words to Bruce Springsteen's "Born In The USA," but don't let that stop you. Just shout "Born in the USA!" over and over again.
Sagittarius You will wake up to discover that it was all just a dream, pissing off audiences across the country.
Capricorn You're beginning to think you should have listened to your mother when she said, "Look out for that train, son."
Aquarius Though you've lost almost everything you once loved, you've also gained many, many pounds.
Pisces You will embark on a quest for the Seven Mystic Keys which will enable you to enter your home, car, and office.
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