• Aries You will suddenly, mercifully pass away during your dinner date's lecture on the spathic qualities of igneous rocks.
  • Taurus The presence of Mercury in your sign indicates that this will be a good week for you, but the presence of mercury in your tap water says otherwise.
  • Gemini You will dashingly send out for an enchanting pizza and fall gloriously asleep in front of the majestic television.
  • Cancer A mysterious voice from the distant '70s will repeatedly exhort you to do it 'til you're satisfied.
  • Leo Stop worrying about the effect the asteroids are having on your horoscope. It's just plain unscientific.
  • Virgo It's true: Nobody appreciates an attractive, well-made vinyl floor covering more than you.
  • Libra You are actually the reincarnated spirit of the Greek hero Ulysses, which actually isn't very good news for you, your wife, your dog, or several of your fellow sailors.
  • Scorpio You don't know the words to Bruce Springsteen's "Born In The USA," but don't let that stop you. Just shout "Born in the USA!" over and over again.
  • Sagittarius You will wake up to discover that it was all just a dream, pissing off audiences across the country.
  • Capricorn You're beginning to think you should have listened to your mother when she said, "Look out for that train, son."
  • Aquarius Though you've lost almost everything you once loved, you've also gained many, many pounds.
  • Pisces You will embark on a quest for the Seven Mystic Keys which will enable you to enter your home, car, and office.