Horoscope for the week of May 4, 2005

Horoscope ISSUE 41•18 May 4, 2005
  • Aries You’re a true role model for young people, the way you’ve achieved financial success and remained active in your community while masturbating pretty much constantly.
  • Taurus Despite the urgent need for the million-person interstellar starliner you designed, you’ll hide your blueprints, because you can’t think of a million people you could stand being with on a trip that long.
  • Gemini It’s been three months since you’ve been hit by a bus, but the law of averages catches up with you this week, when you win free tickets to the Annual Greyhound Operators’ Dozen-Coach Rodeo.
  • Cancer You might have been speaking entirely in jest, but those abductors would not have taken your wife if you hadn’t had the manners to add “please.”
  • Leo Technically, “filibusters” can only take place on the congressional floor. All you’re doing is keeping that poor waiter from attending to his other tables.
  • Virgo Your friends have always referred to you as having an “old soul,” but your soul is nothing compared to your arteries.
  • Libra Despite changing your number a dozen times, you’ll continue to get late-night phone calls from Owen warning you not to come sniffin’ around his women.
  • Scorpio You will soon be renowned throughout the land as Furious Nine-Mile-Reach Fist, a name that sounds cool but will actually turn out to be a handicap in your job as a suburban realtor.
  • Sagittarius You’ve always lived by the words of your father, who said, “Even if you’re only a ditch digger, you should be the best damn ditch digger you can be.” Well, good job, you fucking ditch digger.
  • Capricorn You’ll be a very sought-after sports-page interview when the Minnesota Vikings demand that their new stadium include your head on a post at the main entrance.
  • Aquarius You always suspected that no one would attend your funeral, but due to a rare coma-like neurological condition, you’ll actually be able to see all the empty pews.
  • Pisces You’re offered the chance to serve as “the most dangerous game” for a billionaire sportsman, but it’s canceled after he finds a tiger that has been trained to work a rocket launcher.