• Aries Certain events of this week will serve to correct your misconception that salt is a good thing to rub in wounds.
  • Taurus Your approaching birthday will make it harder and harder to stop imagining your parents busy conceiving you.
  • Gemini Having a rusty spigot forcibly implanted in your abdomen might hurt, but you’ll soon come to appreciate the convenience.
  • Cancer Life is a dream from which you are trying to wake. Fortunately, God has an "alarm clock" which may help.
  • Leo The stars have foretold that you will soon take a long, cool drink of water. You know, sometimes they don’t even try.
  • Virgo You can certainly understand why the other cowboys joke about people milking bulls. The bulls really don’t seem to like it.
  • Libra You will go against the dietary laws of God when you indulge in a delicious meal of vermin and boiled gyr-eagle.
  • Scorpio You will win your long battle with cancer through the implementation of an ingenious plan to kill off its host.
  • Sagittarius Robert Graves, recently fired fom his job on Biography, will follow you around this week and drunkenly narrate everything you do.
  • Capricorn There is no logical reason your life should suddenly involve a mullet-headed, swing-dancing lesbian witch, but that's the kind of gimp you are.
  • Aquarius Your existence, and that of every person on Earth, is unaffected by your knowledge of the atomic number for tin.
  • Pisces You will soon reach the pinnacle of your prestigious and lucrative "putting things on shelves" profession.