Horoscope for the week of May 5, 2004

Horoscope ISSUE 40•18 May 5, 2004
  • Aries Your infamous good-natured but ill-fated meddling in others' lives will reach its peak when you screw up a trilateral Asian trade agreement in the 11th hour.
  • Taurus It'll be hard to get used to your new life, but you'll come to realize you wouldn't trade it for all the working legs and non-prehensile noses in the world.
  • Gemini Take heart: There is indeed a ruler of the universe who surpasses all understanding and is greater than all men. Luckily, He never seems to notice us.
  • Cancer You've always insisted that no one can completely understand your problems. That raises the question of why you won't fucking stop talking about them, then.
  • Leo You've heard that no two snowflakes are alike, and you're pretty certain that this indicates an ethical failing on their part.
  • Virgo Neither love nor money makes the world go round. Unfortunately, we're down to about 17 ounces of the highly unstable stuff that does.
  • Libra You've always stressed the importance of manners, but you don't think they need to prevent anyone from killing as many people as possible.
  • Scorpio Next week will serve as a good example of what happens to people who listen to old wives' tales, especially the ones whose old husbands are high-ranking Masonic elders.
  • Sagittarius You know you're supposed to keep your friends close and your enemies closer, but that advice is of little help to an avowed cat person.
  • Capricorn Although you firmly believe there are two kinds of people in the world, it really creeps you out that you can't figure out what they are.
  • Aquarius You've always considered yourself to be good with children, making it quite a surprise when they all decide to hunt you down.
  • Pisces No further cosmic developments are scheduled this week. Please interpret any as anomalies and ignore.