Horoscope

05.06.98 | ISSUE 33•17

  • Aries Though you've never really thought of yourself as the military type, you will earn fame and glory for your victories in next week's Cola Wars.
  • Taurus A nationwide taste test will reveal that four out of five consumers prefer your roasted haunches to the taste of new fat-free Muncharitos.
  • Gemini The events of next week will closely mirror all the other events in your life up to that point.
  • Cancer You begin to sense the world is turning against you and your kind when doctors announce that they will someday find a cure for Cancer.
  • Leo The onset of summer will soon force you to answer a difficult question. Decide now whether or not it is hot enough for you.
  • Virgo Frankly, the stars are very disappointed in you, as they distinctly remember warning you not to get involved in the sort of foolhardy activities you will engage in next week.
  • Libra There is an undefinable "certain something" you find attractive about your new neighbor. Unfortunately, you will soon discover it to be nothing more than a large but otherwise ordinary set of breasts.
  • Scorpio Do not believe those who tell you they can see your future. They are merely preying upon your ignorant, fearful, superstitious nature.
  • Sagittarius You will be brutally murdered with axes and crosscut saws when the other lumberjacks get tired of seeing your "Big Blue Ox."
  • Capricorn Strange impulses you cannot explain will impel you to spend hundreds of dollars on rubber stamps.
  • Aquarius Earth magick is very strong in Aquarius this week. Bury yourself alive.
  • Pisces Almost anything could happen to you this week. Do not leave home without food, matches, a sturdy knife and 50 feet of rope.

    • Past Horoscopes

    • February 7, 2012

      Aries The universe, in all its wisdom, has a plan for everyone. Strangely, you're supposed to be the nun who holds up a distributor cap and winks while the Nazis try to start their car. Taurus That person you've been see...

    • January 31, 2012

      Aries You've got tough row to hoe in front of you this week, which seems like merely a folksy euphemism until you find you've inherited a run-down potato farm. Taurus Conflicts at work and at home are cleared up instantl...

    • January 24, 2012

      Aries Your death next week will seem in­explicable until people remember the ill-advised 1985 "cross your heart and hope to die" pledge you made to be best friends with Jenny Bosben. Taurus Your fear of pub...

    • January 17, 2012

      Aries Jupiter rising in your sign is usually an indicator of prosperous ambitions, but when it just keeps coming right at you, it becomes downright terrifying. Taurus You have yet to find a love worthy of your unique aff...

    • January 10, 2012

      Aries You're not sure if your new mousetrap is better, but due to its horrifying use of liquefying blades, the world will beat a path to your door out of sheer morbid curiosity. Taurus You'll need to find new solutions t...

    • January 3, 2012

      Aries To improve your spiritual health, avoid the myriad temptations of the flesh. This is most easily accomplished by repeating the word "flesh" over and over until it creeps you out. Taurus Most accidents occ...

    • December 6, 2011

      Aries Sleep will continue to elude you this week, so keep binging on coffee and amphetamines until you have enough energy to catch it. Taurus You're not the sort of person who panics easily, which will keep you from gett...

    • November 15, 2011

      Aries They say your problem is inoperable, but they're wrong: It's just incurable. Go ahead and do all the operating you want. Taurus You've never believed you were the poisoning type, but judging from all the news cover...

    • November 8, 2011

      Aries A shocking revelation will shake you to the core of your being this week, which is odd, because it's merely the fact that the Doobie Brothers aren't actual brothers. Taurus Betrayal, treason, and vile cal-umny will...

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