Aries Though you've never really thought of yourself as the military type, you will earn fame and glory for your victories in next week's Cola Wars.
Taurus A nationwide taste test will reveal that four out of five consumers prefer your roasted haunches to the taste of new fat-free Muncharitos.
Gemini The events of next week will closely mirror all the other events in your life up to that point.
Cancer You begin to sense the world is turning against you and your kind when doctors announce that they will someday find a cure for Cancer.
Leo The onset of summer will soon force you to answer a difficult question. Decide now whether or not it is hot enough for you.
Virgo Frankly, the stars are very disappointed in you, as they distinctly remember warning you not to get involved in the sort of foolhardy activities you will engage in next week.
Libra There is an undefinable "certain something" you find attractive about your new neighbor. Unfortunately, you will soon discover it to be nothing more than a large but otherwise ordinary set of breasts.
Scorpio Do not believe those who tell you they can see your future. They are merely preying upon your ignorant, fearful, superstitious nature.
Sagittarius You will be brutally murdered with axes and crosscut saws when the other lumberjacks get tired of seeing your "Big Blue Ox."
Capricorn Strange impulses you cannot explain will impel you to spend hundreds of dollars on rubber stamps.
Aquarius Earth magick is very strong in Aquarius this week. Bury yourself alive.
Pisces Almost anything could happen to you this week. Do not leave home without food, matches, a sturdy knife and 50 feet of rope.