• Aries Don't neglect the spiritual side of your life. Find the best person you know, nail him to a cross, and worship him.
  • Taurus Take a child with you the next time you go to a museum. If heavily armed thieves strike during your visit, the child can be used as a human shield.
  • Gemini In the end, it doesn't matter what good you've done or how well-meaning a person you are, as you are still not getting a pony.
  • Cancer Mistakes you made in your youth will come back to haunt you by plunging you into a bitter war with Germany.
  • Leo Make an effort to be more honest with yourself in your everyday life. Look in the mirror and say, "I am a big fat fatty-pants."
  • Virgo Spare nothing in your quest to be the finest human specimen on earth. If an organ or appendage doesn't make you stronger or faster, cut it off.
  • Libra Family and travel are dominant in Libra this week. Cut the brake lines on your father's minivan.
  • Scorpio Prepare yourself for the afterlife by killing your servants.
  • Sagittarius Your long battle with alcohol ends at last when you discover heroin.
  • Capricorn You no longer have a destiny. All the stars in Capricorn burned out today.
  • Aquarius Your personal nightmare continues this week as the ghost of Bert Convy follows you everywhere.
  • Pisces Raise awareness of sodomy in your community by organizing a neighborhood Sodomy Watch at your house.