Aries Don't neglect the spiritual side of your life. Find the best person you know, nail him to a cross, and worship him.
Taurus Take a child with you the next time you go to a museum. If heavily armed thieves strike during your visit, the child can be used as a human shield.
Gemini In the end, it doesn't matter what good you've done or how well-meaning a person you are, as you are still not getting a pony.
Cancer Mistakes you made in your youth will come back to haunt you by plunging you into a bitter war with Germany.
Leo Make an effort to be more honest with yourself in your everyday life. Look in the mirror and say, "I am a big fat fatty-pants."
Virgo Spare nothing in your quest to be the finest human specimen on earth. If an organ or appendage doesn't make you stronger or faster, cut it off.
Libra Family and travel are dominant in Libra this week. Cut the brake lines on your father's minivan.
Scorpio Prepare yourself for the afterlife by killing your servants.
Sagittarius Your long battle with alcohol ends at last when you discover heroin.
Capricorn You no longer have a destiny. All the stars in Capricorn burned out today.
Aquarius Your personal nightmare continues this week as the ghost of Bert Convy follows you everywhere.
Pisces Raise awareness of sodomy in your community by organizing a neighborhood Sodomy Watch at your house.
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