Aries You will meet the girl of your dreams Wednesday when she and five other EMTs try to free you from a hellish cocoon of molten glass.
Taurus The stars don't think it would be fair to give you a new prediction until the one about finding happiness, love, or wealth comes true.
Gemini After years of indecision, you will finally decide to move to Las Vegas, where you'll lose it all on 23 Red.
Cancer You will be hailed as a hero by The American Spectator when you shoot three suspicious-looking Hispanic kids in the back while guarding the West Park Mall.
Leo Once again, it's a bad week for romance in the workplace, but romance has nothing to do with your coworkers taking you from behind while you're Xeroxing.
Virgo You're asking for it health-wise if you don't start exercising, sleeping more, and reducing your intake of fat people.
Libra Though it should be easy to prove that giant robots are not constantly sneaking up on you, you remain remarkably resistant to dissuasion.
Scorpio Sometimes, all one can do is step back and laugh at the absurdity of it all. However, the jury will note that a fire extinguisher was within easy reach.
Sagittarius Your abuses of the American legal system will soon surpass your abuses of the Fayetteville, AR, plumbing system.
Capricorn After a long, expensive investigation, the World Health Organization will be forced to admit that it has no idea how you slipped through.
Aquarius You'll make controversial front-page headlines when you're the subject of the nation's first multimillion-dollar asexual-harassment case.
Pisces You've finally decided to divorce your whiny, repugnant spouse. Good luck ever finding love again, babe.
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