• Aries You will meet the girl of your dreams Wednesday when she and five other EMTs try to free you from a hellish cocoon of molten glass.
  • Taurus The stars don't think it would be fair to give you a new prediction until the one about finding happiness, love, or wealth comes true.
  • Gemini After years of indecision, you will finally decide to move to Las Vegas, where you'll lose it all on 23 Red.
  • Cancer You will be hailed as a hero by The American Spectator when you shoot three suspicious-looking Hispanic kids in the back while guarding the West Park Mall.
  • Leo Once again, it's a bad week for romance in the workplace, but romance has nothing to do with your coworkers taking you from behind while you're Xeroxing.
  • Virgo You're asking for it health-wise if you don't start exercising, sleeping more, and reducing your intake of fat people.
  • Libra Though it should be easy to prove that giant robots are not constantly sneaking up on you, you remain remarkably resistant to dissuasion.
  • Scorpio Sometimes, all one can do is step back and laugh at the absurdity of it all. However, the jury will note that a fire extinguisher was within easy reach.
  • Sagittarius Your abuses of the American legal system will soon surpass your abuses of the Fayetteville, AR, plumbing system.
  • Capricorn After a long, expensive investigation, the World Health Organization will be forced to admit that it has no idea how you slipped through.
  • Aquarius You'll make controversial front-page headlines when you're the subject of the nation's first multimillion-dollar asexual-harassment case.
  • Pisces You've finally decided to divorce your whiny, repugnant spouse. Good luck ever finding love again, babe.