• Aries Please help clean up your world! After all, your mother doesn't live here, at least not after next Thursday.
  • Taurus It might not be a comfort, but if we lived in a parallel universe where bulldozers are sentient beings, a certain one would be apologizing profusely right now.
  • Gemini The stars aren't exactly Cole Porter, but "If I Can't Have You, I'd Like A Small Order Of Fries" doesn't seem to have "hit" written all over it.
  • Cancer You will meet dozens of people as cold and unfeeling as yourself after taking out an ad in the impersonals section of your newspaper.
  • Leo Try not to beat yourself up over your failings. After all, there are plenty of people willing to do the job for you.
  • Virgo There's no easy way to say this, but a falling plate-glass window will shear you in half next Friday. Actually, that was pretty easy, come to think.
  • Libra After all these years, the arresting officers still get a little flustered when you try to tip them.
  • Scorpio Though you may never actually find your soulmate in this lifetime, any decent supermarket will provide you with a lifetime supply of Coffee-Mate.
  • Sagittarius Sometimes, you think that becoming a corporate lawyer stained your soul and destroyed your faith in humanity. However, there is the money.
  • Capricorn Your ex-wife says you're six feet of stunted emotional growth in a bad tie. Better get a new tie.
  • Aquarius Remember those less fortunate than yourself next week. You can find them in burn wards and leper colonies.
  • Pisces You will be the 37th overall pick in this week's NFL Slow-Old-Guy Supplemental Draft.