• Aries You won't be aware that there's a Citizens' Coalition To Stop The Igniting Of Cats until they knock on your door next Wednesday.
  • Taurus You have no grounds for a lawsuit: The label on the vegetarian buffalo wings said "meatless," not "contains no chicken parts."
  • Gemini For the last time, Brad isn't right for you. Stop breaking into his house and waiting naked in his closet.
  • Cancer You'll no longer wonder if you have what it takes after finding out that it takes a weak will, a pot belly, and a full complement of cable channels.
  • Leo The grim spectre of Death will appear before you next week and hint that, though you're not supposed to die for years, it never hurts to be nice to the man who makes the schedule.
  • Virgo We're pretty sure that fortune cookie was wrong about your lucky numbers.
  • Libra The pride you feel when your superiors choose you as the best man for the job will fade when you discover how much raw sewage the job involves.
  • Scorpio Preparation is the key to success. For instance, you can save yourself a lot of pain and stress next Friday by studying how pins go back into grenades today.
  • Sagittarius The stars were going to tell you to stop playing your little head games. Then again, that's how soccer, the world's most popular sport, was invented.
  • Capricorn There's a chance you're being melodramatic about next week's events. Three giant Nazi Martian women do not necessarily constitute a threat to the planet.
  • Aquarius Take some time out to appreciate all the not-exactly-horrible things in your life.
  • Pisces You thought Texas had already unleashed all the evil it could upon the world, but you forgot about the Dell layoffs and the killer bees.