Aries No change for Aries this week, except for those who may be affected by bursting Brooklyn gas mains.
Taurus You will occupy the national spotlight and win the hearts of Americans for reasons no one will be able to remember in six months.
Gemini Your inability to grasp contemporary world events will be cleared up this week when you realize you've confused CBS Evening News with Cleopatra 2525.
Cancer You will meet the girl of your dreams after a week of recurring nightmares about manipulation, betrayal, and fire.
Leo Your carefully considered, issues-based presidential vote will be negated by a hairdresser who likes the other guy's ties.
Virgo You will be the toast of Napoleon's Paris for your airy yet visceral performance of The Little Minuet.
Libra Remember: There is nothing wrong with a vigorous and athletic display of sexuality, so long as you have the money.
Scorpio Give in to your rebellious impulses at work this week: Disobey your boss by letting the door hit you on the ass on the way out.
Sagittarius Though the stars know exactly what will happen in your life, this doesn't mean that astrology is consistent with the Christian tenet of predestination.
Capricorn A dangerous but comical event will occur every time you ask the rhetorical question, "What next?"
Aquarius If a really good roast-beef melt isn't the best sandwich in the world, Aquarius would like to know what is.
Pisces From this moment forth, you will be elected treasurer of every organization you join.
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