Horoscope for the week of November 1, 2000

Horoscope ISSUE 36•39 Nov 1, 2000
  • Aries No change for Aries this week, except for those who may be affected by bursting Brooklyn gas mains.
  • Taurus You will occupy the national spotlight and win the hearts of Americans for reasons no one will be able to remember in six months.
  • Gemini Your inability to grasp contemporary world events will be cleared up this week when you realize you've confused CBS Evening News with Cleopatra 2525.
  • Cancer You will meet the girl of your dreams after a week of recurring nightmares about manipulation, betrayal, and fire.
  • Leo Your carefully considered, issues-based presidential vote will be negated by a hairdresser who likes the other guy's ties.
  • Virgo You will be the toast of Napoleon's Paris for your airy yet visceral performance of The Little Minuet.
  • Libra Remember: There is nothing wrong with a vigorous and athletic display of sexuality, so long as you have the money.
  • Scorpio Give in to your rebellious impulses at work this week: Disobey your boss by letting the door hit you on the ass on the way out.
  • Sagittarius Though the stars know exactly what will happen in your life, this doesn't mean that astrology is consistent with the Christian tenet of predestination.
  • Capricorn A dangerous but comical event will occur every time you ask the rhetorical question, "What next?"
  • Aquarius If a really good roast-beef melt isn't the best sandwich in the world, Aquarius would like to know what is.
  • Pisces From this moment forth, you will be elected treasurer of every organization you join.