• Aries Your "important work for the government" is nothing more than income-tax filing. Please release the "Russian infiltrators" from your closet.
  • Taurus Jupiter is in your sun sign this week, making it pretty crowded in there, what with Jupiter being the largest of the planets and all.
  • Gemini People may justify your situation by saying it's for your own good, but don't buy it: Having you in jail is only good for the nurses.
  • Cancer It would be easier for you to endure the loss of your legs if they weren't your best pair of artificial ones.
  • Leo You will fall prey to both a common misconception and a family of bears.
  • Virgo God appears before you in a dream and tells you to do good works and spread His word, but don't bother: It was only a dream, for crying out loud.
  • Libra For the last time, Libra is not another name for a rum and Coke. That's a Cuba Libre.
  • Scorpio Everyone enjoys a party, but try to control your childlike glee now that you're finally 10 years old.
  • Sagittarius It's true that sometimes it's impossible for you to hide your love, but please try your hardest.
  • Capricorn Cheer up: Nobody ever died of a broken heart. Unless, that is, you count suicides, depression-related anemia or heart attacks.
  • Aquarius Your years of work with underprivileged children will earn you the Guonghzu Reebok plant's "Supervisor Of The Month" award.
  • Pisces If you're thinking of marrying that special woman who always has a smile and a kind word for you, don't. That's your mom, for Christ's sake!