• Aries You’ll finally find yourself in a relationship that may not end with you asking the other person if they’d like a bag for that.
  • Taurus The stars indicate that you are not a fierce and wily lynx, as you have long believed. Savage them with your cruel claws and razor-sharp teeth.
  • Gemini You’ll suffer high-pressure steam burns, two broken fingers and massive psychic trauma when you attempt to restore America's faith in the democratic process.
  • Cancer You will receive a poorly written, hastily scrawled letter from Loretta Lynn claiming that you are still not woman enough to take her man.
  • Leo Your grisly death beneath a pile of day-old cinnamon rolls will prove true one of Nostradamus' least likely prophecies.
  • Virgo You will be forced to make a difficult decision when you discover that smoking the stuffing inside Beanie Babies gets you higher than hell.
  • Libra Your attempt to buck the trends and do your own thing fails when you realize that trend-following is pretty much the only thing you’re good at.
  • Scorpio Fire and water magicks are both strong in Scorpio this week. Your immediate future will be filled with thick clouds of smoke, steam and damp ash.
  • Sagittarius Your brave decision to try a new bar in your neighborhood leads you to finally understand the meaning of the mysterious phrase "chicks with sticks."
  • Capricorn Add a zesty Mexican touch to your boring Sunday dinners. Invite a Mexican to your house, render him unconscious, and slip him into the soup.
  • Aquarius Though your birthday falls into the correct range of dates, the stars say you are not actually an Aquarius. In fact, they are pretty sure you're an asshole.
  • Pisces You will be confined to a wheelchair for the rest of your life because of your strong belief that walking requires too much energy.