Horoscope for the week of November 12, 1996

Horoscope ISSUE 30•14 Nov 12, 1996
  • Aries Your ideas about the afterlife are proven wrong when you are killed in a bus crash and spend eternity reliving Truck Month at your local Ford dealer.
  • Taurus Your worth is finally proven when firefighters burst into your blazing apartment and save your puffy-sticker collection, leaving you to die.
  • Gemini Do not let yourself become known in your community as the one who dresses up in a monkey suit and climbs the water tower.
  • Cancer Cure your chronic womanizing by retiring to the kitchen to practice Osterizing.
  • Leo A trip to the Orient gets off to a bad start when you discover that 'Sucky, fucky, one-two-three" is not Japanese for "More sake, please."
  • Virgo Become a better parent. Purchase a coffee mug emblazoned with the phrase, "World's Greatest Parent."
  • Libra You will achieve your lifelong dream of being fondled by a blind man when you burn William Faulkner's The Sound and the Fury into your skin in braille.
  • Scorpio You will be denied auto insurance due to a seventh major moving violation this week. Become a spaceship pilot.
  • Sagittarius Months of pain and suffering will be your lot after you cast aspersions on Hank Williams Jr.'s ancestry in a Louisiana honky-tonk.
  • Capricorn Many of your problems indicate that you need to become more firmly grounded. Ask a friend to nail you to the floor.
  • Aquarius All your troubles come to a end when you discover that Gordon's gin is an adequate replacement for love.
  • Pisces You will be the envy of all your friends this week when Parent magazine names you one of America's 10 best cities in which to raise children.