Horoscope

11.12.96 | ISSUE 30•14

  • Aries Your ideas about the afterlife are proven wrong when you are killed in a bus crash and spend eternity reliving Truck Month at your local Ford dealer.
  • Taurus Your worth is finally proven when firefighters burst into your blazing apartment and save your puffy-sticker collection, leaving you to die.
  • Gemini Do not let yourself become known in your community as the one who dresses up in a monkey suit and climbs the water tower.
  • Cancer Cure your chronic womanizing by retiring to the kitchen to practice Osterizing.
  • Leo A trip to the Orient gets off to a bad start when you discover that 'Sucky, fucky, one-two-three" is not Japanese for "More sake, please."
  • Virgo Become a better parent. Purchase a coffee mug emblazoned with the phrase, "World's Greatest Parent."
  • Libra You will achieve your lifelong dream of being fondled by a blind man when you burn William Faulkner's The Sound and the Fury into your skin in braille.
  • Scorpio You will be denied auto insurance due to a seventh major moving violation this week. Become a spaceship pilot.
  • Sagittarius Months of pain and suffering will be your lot after you cast aspersions on Hank Williams Jr.'s ancestry in a Louisiana honky-tonk.
  • Capricorn Many of your problems indicate that you need to become more firmly grounded. Ask a friend to nail you to the floor.
  • Aquarius All your troubles come to a end when you discover that Gordon's gin is an adequate replacement for love.
  • Pisces You will be the envy of all your friends this week when Parent magazine names you one of America's 10 best cities in which to raise children.

    • Past Horoscopes

    • February 7, 2012

      Aries The universe, in all its wisdom, has a plan for everyone. Strangely, you're supposed to be the nun who holds up a distributor cap and winks while the Nazis try to start their car. Taurus That person you've been see...

    • January 31, 2012

      Aries You've got tough row to hoe in front of you this week, which seems like merely a folksy euphemism until you find you've inherited a run-down potato farm. Taurus Conflicts at work and at home are cleared up instantl...

    • January 24, 2012

      Aries Your death next week will seem in­explicable until people remember the ill-advised 1985 "cross your heart and hope to die" pledge you made to be best friends with Jenny Bosben. Taurus Your fear of pub...

    • January 17, 2012

      Aries Jupiter rising in your sign is usually an indicator of prosperous ambitions, but when it just keeps coming right at you, it becomes downright terrifying. Taurus You have yet to find a love worthy of your unique aff...

    • January 10, 2012

      Aries You're not sure if your new mousetrap is better, but due to its horrifying use of liquefying blades, the world will beat a path to your door out of sheer morbid curiosity. Taurus You'll need to find new solutions t...

    • January 3, 2012

      Aries To improve your spiritual health, avoid the myriad temptations of the flesh. This is most easily accomplished by repeating the word "flesh" over and over until it creeps you out. Taurus Most accidents occ...

    • December 6, 2011

      Aries Sleep will continue to elude you this week, so keep binging on coffee and amphetamines until you have enough energy to catch it. Taurus You're not the sort of person who panics easily, which will keep you from gett...

    • November 15, 2011

      Aries They say your problem is inoperable, but they're wrong: It's just incurable. Go ahead and do all the operating you want. Taurus You've never believed you were the poisoning type, but judging from all the news cover...

    • November 8, 2011

      Aries A shocking revelation will shake you to the core of your being this week, which is odd, because it's merely the fact that the Doobie Brothers aren't actual brothers. Taurus Betrayal, treason, and vile cal-umny will...

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