Horoscope for the week of November 13, 2002

Horoscope ISSUE 38•42 Nov 13, 2002
  • Aries The ever-increasing triviality of American life is good news for you and the other employees of the squirrel-waterski factory.
  • Taurus The broken ribs, fractured skull, and dislocated shoulder won't hurt at all, mostly because you'll suffer them after being dropped by drunken pallbearers.
  • Gemini Normally, you shouldn't blame society for your problems, but the truth is that every civilization on Earth has decided you should be publicly humiliated.
  • Cancer You've been eating in Mexican restaurants for years now, but you still don't see how the free chips and salsa are "how they get you."
  • Leo You'll be reminded of an old clichÈ about warranties next Monday, your 91st day with an artificial heart.
  • Virgo The interesting thing about the blood of the innocent isn't the taste or the occult power it gives you, but just how little there actually is.
  • Libra You will be forced to choose between profit and dignity when creative directors tell you that your story would make a great young-adult diaper ad.
  • Scorpio The importance of getting out to vote will be brought home when, in a close election, the Democrats take control of your favorite chair.
  • Sagittarius You will strongly consider firing your entire PR team when your shoplifting trial fails to get the high-profile treatment it deserves.
  • Capricorn Pundits will hail it as a victory for justice, if not jurisprudence, when you are sentenced to death by lethal injection for no particular reason.
  • Aquarius A future filled with consequence-free lying suddenly becomes possible when you find a stylish, comfortable brand of fireproof pants.
  • Pisces Just because Ernest Borgnine hasn't spoken to you in more than 30 years doesn't necessarily mean he's angry.