• Aries When all is said and done, and your time on Earth is finished, you will just barely have made it to the end of this sentence.
  • Taurus Everything will go smoothly this week, except for the part with the monkeys and the cream pies.
  • Gemini Nothing can stop you now that you have reached light speed and your mass has become almost infinite.
  • Cancer You will survive the upcoming bloody purge at your workplace only to discover that you're the only one left to pay for all the coffins.
  • Leo Relax, one more little deviled egg won't hurt. You already weigh 435 pounds.
  • Virgo You will regret your vote in the recent presidential election when a pack of Corvairs storms your house and kills your entire family.
  • Libra Stop worrying: It's impossible to be perfect, and people enjoy almost everything about you. It's not your fault that your gizzard is tough, stringy, and tasteless.
  • Scorpio After years of resistance, you will be forced to admit that a strong centralized government that relies on popular hatred of a common enemy is a flawed concept that can't work in the long run.
  • Sagittarius Scientists at the Metropolis Institute of Applied Geology will be happy to loan you the kryptonite–until they discover what you want it for.
  • Capricorn Things being the way they are, you might want to hold off on further pyramid construction until science can prove the designer's far-fetched claims.
  • Aquarius You will learn through harsh experience that you would, in fact, not rather push a Ford than drive a Chevy.
  • Pisces Come on, those first six seals were fun to open! Why not go for the seventh?