Aries When you're finally given the chance to run the entire circus, you'll be amazed at how quickly it goes bad on you.
Taurus Through odd circumstances, you acquire a blowtorch, a case of razor blades, a cage of deadly asps, and a pint of cyanide, but since you didn't acquire any guts, they'll all just sit in the corner.
Gemini In spite of your incredible, God-given skill as a crane operator, you won't be able to pick up any girls.
Cancer Your illusions, innocence, and worldview will all be shattered this week in a bizarre accident involving your personality and some liquid nitrogen.
Leo You'll find inspiration in the classic story of Great Expectations and go on to turn more wonderful novels into abhorrent movies.
Virgo You're aware of the wondrous healing powers of love, but you have a feeling you'll get more mileage out of the cooler transformative powers of hate.
Libra There is little you can do to halt your downward spiral of lassitude and inaction, but you don't really care.
Scorpio Frankly, it never occurred to you to win that special someone over with kindness and compassionthose things have never worked on you.
Sagittarius The stars could perceive six numbers that would be of great help to you in winning large sums of money, but somehow, they never get around to it.
Capricorn The funny thing about people trying to copy the famous crime of D.B. Cooper is that one of them slams down onto your head Thursday afternoon.
Aquarius You have an unhealthy obsession with getting everyone to like you, which might be healthy if you were any good at it.
Pisces You'll be granted a momentary glimpse through the omniscient eye of the Creator, causing you to remark that now you've seen everything.