Horoscope for the week of November 17, 2004

Horoscope ISSUE 40•46 Nov 17, 2004
  • Aries When you're finally given the chance to run the entire circus, you'll be amazed at how quickly it goes bad on you.
  • Taurus Through odd circumstances, you acquire a blowtorch, a case of razor blades, a cage of deadly asps, and a pint of cyanide, but since you didn't acquire any guts, they'll all just sit in the corner.
  • Gemini In spite of your incredible, God-given skill as a crane operator, you won't be able to pick up any girls.
  • Cancer Your illusions, innocence, and worldview will all be shattered this week in a bizarre accident involving your personality and some liquid nitrogen.
  • Leo You'll find inspiration in the classic story of Great Expectations and go on to turn more wonderful novels into abhorrent movies.
  • Virgo You're aware of the wondrous healing powers of love, but you have a feeling you'll get more mileage out of the cooler transformative powers of hate.
  • Libra There is little you can do to halt your downward spiral of lassitude and inaction, but you don't really care.
  • Scorpio Frankly, it never occurred to you to win that special someone over with kindness and compassion—those things have never worked on you.
  • Sagittarius The stars could perceive six numbers that would be of great help to you in winning large sums of money, but somehow, they never get around to it.
  • Capricorn The funny thing about people trying to copy the famous crime of D.B. Cooper is that one of them slams down onto your head Thursday afternoon.
  • Aquarius You have an unhealthy obsession with getting everyone to like you, which might be healthy if you were any good at it.
  • Pisces You'll be granted a momentary glimpse through the omniscient eye of the Creator, causing you to remark that now you've seen everything.