Aries Embarrassment will be your lot this week when, on your way to the patent office, you learn that someone has already invented a "crotch-less" panty.
Taurus Your dream of hosting the greatest party of all time is shattered when the hired fire-eaters accidentally ignite special guest Jello Biafra.
Gemini Awkwardness ensues at a family reunion when your Uncle Gene and Cousin Willie invite you to coat yourself in lard and come out behind the barn for some "special 'rasslin."
Cancer Your attempt to sleep with the boss' spouse fails when you wake them both up while climbing into their bed.
Leo Avoid confrontation this week. Chain dissenting co-workers to a fencepost in the middle of the Gobi Desert.
Virgo A mutant virus that kills dynamite lovers will sweep the world next week, killing 99 percent of the Earth's population but sparing you.
Libra You go down in history as the world's lousiest criminal when you attempt to escape from police into the pages of a great romance novel.
Scorpio A strange incident involving you, a parking meter, a banjo and a pratfalling Sherpa guide will result in your being featured as a special case in the nation's medical textbooks.
Sagittarius A torch-bearing mob drives you from your village after you correctly pick all 15 games in this week's football pool.
Capricorn Embarrassment results when, at the last minute, you discover the impossibility of self-crucifixion.
Aquarius Due to scheduling conflicts, Aquarius will have no future this week.
Pisces Halfway through telling a ribald joke, you suddenly realize that your audience consists of a rabbi, a black, a Polack and three guys from Minnesota.
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