Horoscope for the week of November 19, 1996

Horoscope ISSUE 30•15 Nov 19, 1996
  • Aries Embarrassment will be your lot this week when, on your way to the patent office, you learn that someone has already invented a "crotch-less" panty.
  • Taurus Your dream of hosting the greatest party of all time is shattered when the hired fire-eaters accidentally ignite special guest Jello Biafra.
  • Gemini Awkwardness ensues at a family reunion when your Uncle Gene and Cousin Willie invite you to coat yourself in lard and come out behind the barn for some "special 'rasslin."
  • Cancer Your attempt to sleep with the boss' spouse fails when you wake them both up while climbing into their bed.
  • Leo Avoid confrontation this week. Chain dissenting co-workers to a fencepost in the middle of the Gobi Desert.
  • Virgo A mutant virus that kills dynamite lovers will sweep the world next week, killing 99 percent of the Earth's population but sparing you.
  • Libra You go down in history as the world's lousiest criminal when you attempt to escape from police into the pages of a great romance novel.
  • Scorpio A strange incident involving you, a parking meter, a banjo and a pratfalling Sherpa guide will result in your being featured as a special case in the nation's medical textbooks.
  • Sagittarius A torch-bearing mob drives you from your village after you correctly pick all 15 games in this week's football pool.
  • Capricorn Embarrassment results when, at the last minute, you discover the impossibility of self-crucifixion.
  • Aquarius Due to scheduling conflicts, Aquarius will have no future this week.
  • Pisces Halfway through telling a ribald joke, you suddenly realize that your audience consists of a rabbi, a black, a Polack and three guys from Minnesota.