Aries Be careful that your careless words do not break a certain person’s heart this week. Instead, break it with a well-placed axe-handle blow.
Taurus Saturn’s position in your sign indicates that this could be a magical time in your love life. Stalk a few more “girlfriends” for a few days before making them “disappear.”
Gemini A feeling of shame and dread will come over you this week when you realize that you have been misinterpreting the word “cannibalism.”
Cancer Though you are aware that Hawaii has the best unemployment benefits among the 50 states, you will be surprised and shocked to discover that Mississippi has the fewest dentists.
Leo You will return from a trip abroad to find a grumpy Joe Don Baker in your living room taking back all of his rugs and furniture.
Virgo Your clergyman will continue to be a great source of spiritual strength and comfort to you despite your protests.
Libra A host of angels appears, but, much to your surprise, they climb aboard their starships and head for the skies.
Scorpio Your near-deafness leads to tragedy when you kill the artist who offers to teach you the meaning of paint.
Sagittarius During November, Sagittarius should strive to avoid 16-ounce sirloin steaks cooked medium-rare, marinated in herb butter and served with side orders of sauteed mushrooms and baked potato with sour cream. Also, avoid apple pie with ice cream.
Capricorn No matter how hard you try to follow the advice given in your horoscope this week, you will fail. Try to avoid breathing anyway.
Aquarius Smooth-talking hucksters are out to fool you. Distrust messages or predictions which are vague and general enough to apply to anyone, such as those found in fortune cookies.
Pisces Though everyone you know loves you, your spouse is beginning to wish they wouldn’t all do it at once.