• Aries Be careful that your careless words do not break a certain person’s heart this week. Instead, break it with a well-placed axe-handle blow.
  • Taurus Saturn’s position in your sign indicates that this could be a magical time in your love life. Stalk a few more “girlfriends” for a few days before making them “disappear.”
  • Gemini A feeling of shame and dread will come over you this week when you realize that you have been misinterpreting the word “cannibalism.”
  • Cancer Though you are aware that Hawaii has the best unemployment benefits among the 50 states, you will be surprised and shocked to discover that Mississippi has the fewest dentists.
  • Leo You will return from a trip abroad to find a grumpy Joe Don Baker in your living room taking back all of his rugs and furniture.
  • Virgo Your clergyman will continue to be a great source of spiritual strength and comfort to you despite your protests.
  • Libra A host of angels appears, but, much to your surprise, they climb aboard their starships and head for the skies.
  • Scorpio Your near-deafness leads to tragedy when you kill the artist who offers to teach you the meaning of paint.
  • Sagittarius During November, Sagittarius should strive to avoid 16-ounce sirloin steaks cooked medium-rare, marinated in herb butter and served with side orders of sauteed mushrooms and baked potato with sour cream. Also, avoid apple pie with ice cream.
  • Capricorn No matter how hard you try to follow the advice given in your horoscope this week, you will fail. Try to avoid breathing anyway.
  • Aquarius Smooth-talking hucksters are out to fool you. Distrust messages or predictions which are vague and general enough to apply to anyone, such as those found in fortune cookies.
  • Pisces Though everyone you know loves you, your spouse is beginning to wish they wouldn’t all do it at once.