• Aries You fail to understand the primordial mystery of the funk: You can still have it no matter how many times you give it up.
  • Taurus You'll win the lottery, but it's not one of those cool lotteries that decides who lives and who dies.
  • Gemini Your theory that everyone looks good in pantsuits should probably be amended to include recent data obtained by your mirror.
  • Cancer Your habit of falling back on arguments of constitutionality during every debate won't help decide whose turn it is to take the garbage out.
  • Leo It has been said that power is the ultimate aphrodisiac, but there are other reasons why Jenny is sleeping with her assistant manager and not you.
  • Virgo You're aware that life isn't a nice, sweet fairy tale. That said, it's about time you get to the sex and drugs.
  • Libra There are some vital, useful ideas in Ayn Rand's Atlas Shrugged, but you shouldn't apply them to home decorating.
  • Scorpio You're proud to have been cited by several important scientists, even if it was as an example of the potential "gray goo" problems in nanotechnology.
  • Sagittarius Everyone has potentially fatal flaws, but yours involve a love of soldiers' wives, an insatiable thirst for whiskey, and the seven weak points in your left ventricle.
  • Capricorn It's not too late for you to learn new tricks in the bedroom, but it's too sad and disgusting to even think about.
  • Aquarius All things considered, you have a hard time believing that on-base percentage alone could be the answer to success in baseball.
  • Pisces There's no law that tells people whom they can and can't love in this world, but you're doing everything in your power to convince legislators to change that.