• Aries Your decision to start over with a brand-new life is admirable, but to do it properly, you should probably quit your job at Olive Garden.
  • Taurus You aren't the kind of person who enjoys the spotlight, so it's disturbing when you discover that you actually are the center of the universe.
  • Gemini You'll be truly surprised next week when a British gentleman teaches you the meaning of the word "bugger." Surprised, and rather disappointed.
  • Cancer You will suffer dire consequences after toying with powerful forces you do not understand, namely gravity.
  • Leo It seems the danger is over for now, but something tells you that you haven't seen the last of that dastardly villain.
  • Virgo Good things will happen when you least expect, greatly embarrassing you while you're trying to enjoy a shit in peace.
  • Libra Your impassioned speech about how use of the word "titties" is never funny will be drowned out by the shrieks of laughter at the word "titties."
  • Scorpio Your defense lawyer is one of the best, but he will have a hard time blaming those 11 murders on the bossa nova, the dance of love.
  • Sagittarius Having a girl pop out of the birthday cake was a fine idea, but you really should have given more thought to when the cake is cut.
  • Capricorn Reality falls short of expectations when you get more–albeit larger–ass than a toilet seat.
  • Aquarius If there's one lesson you've learned from the mythic, timeless sport of baseball, you have no idea what it is.
  • Pisces The awesome spiritual powers of the stars exert more influence on you than your own will, as far as that goes.