Horoscope for the week of November 24, 2004

Horoscope ISSUE 40•47 Nov 24, 2004
  • Aries Although nothing exciting usually happens to you, the law of averages will catch up this week and everything exciting will happen to you all at once.
  • Taurus What was shaping up to be the worst Christmas ever will be salvaged when you barely make it past Thanksgiving.
  • Gemini You'll win an improbable bet by driving a stolen SWAT van through a burning oil refinery, but due to a lack of faith and foresight, the prize will be five bucks.
  • Cancer An old man will finally teach you how to read letters and numbers. Since he meant no harm, you should probably stop the other villagers from burning him.
  • Leo If you think that nothing you do matters anymore, it would behoove you to consider your use of the word "anymore."
  • Virgo You couldn't parallel park if your life depended on it, so it's unfortunate that, due to the alien invaders' strange emphasis on motorist competence, that's exactly what it comes down to.
  • Libra Take heart: There are people with bigger problems than yours, and acting like you care about them will get you laid.
  • Scorpio Yours is a story rife with pathos, sacrifice, and sexual intrigue, so it's confusing to see how pathetic it all sounds when you finally write it down.
  • Sagittarius Your sense of triumph over getting a white rhino to mate in captivity will dissipate when the disgusted biologists inform you that they wanted it to mate with another rhino.
  • Capricorn You'll achieve notoriety at the patent office after you discover a way to turn food into a nitrate-rich material useful in the fertilization of crops.
  • Aquarius You've read everything you can on the subject, but it still seems to you that some stuff about religion just doesn't add up.
  • Pisces You'll finally get the public humiliation you deserve for using yellow food coloring instead of eggs in the batter at your British-style chip shop.