Aries Your first visit to a cockfight ends in disaster when you find out that the competition is actually between chickens.
Taurus You will meet a charming, witty, considerate, handsome man and instantly fall deeply in love with him. Of course, this will destroy your relationship with your wife and three kids.
Gemini All your dreams will come true this week, even the one in which you fall straight down for miles and miles.
Cancer You will drown in 20 gallons of warm, soapy water this week when you forget to remove your clothes before washing them.
Leo The largest hailstone on record fell in Coreyville, KS, on Sept. 3, 1970, and weighed 1.67 pounds, making it less than half the size of the one that will slam into your head in a few seconds.
Virgo The stars indicate that they are moving apart from each other at an astounding velocity, a phenomenon that portends the eventual heat-death of the universe. This will have little to no effect on your week.
Libra Saturn in your sign means that you are still single because you are choosy about potential mates, but Jupiter and Venus know it’s because you’re so goddamn fat.
Scorpio Remember: God never gives you more than you can handle, except in certain special cases like next Tuesday at 4 p.m.
Sagittarius Your birthday’s this week? Take heart! Though it’s certainly true that you’re not as young as you used to be, the stars say you’re just about as old as you’ll ever be.
Capricorn The next seven days will see you journey a little farther down that path of unsuccessful non-failure you’ve come to acknowledge as your life.
Aquarius You think you’ve found a new use for malt powder, but people have actually been mixing it with ice cream and milk for years.
Pisces You will decide to give your new boyfriend the nickname “Pickle” because he’s not a man at all, but a dill pickle.