Horoscope for the week of November 28, 2001

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Aries Your new romantic partner will turn out to be the best thing ever to happen to you. Please notice that we said "thing," not "person."

Taurus You really ought to have a close friend or family member explain the function of that roll of soft paper that hangs by the toilet as soon as possible.

Gemini Your view of history as a nightmare from which you are trying to escape seems awfully pretentious, as no one will remember you five minutes from now.

Cancer The lifetime supply of Twinkies you won in that contest turns out to be only half a box, indicating that the Hostess corporation knows something you don't.

Leo The stars foretell a glorious and prosperous future for you during this year's Zodiacal Sweeps Week.

Virgo Technically, what you're having is not a shotgun wedding. Those are when someone else has the shotgun.

Libra You will be banned from the nation's highways after catastrophically failing your federally mandated crash test.

Scorpio Though your dietary habits are disgusting beyond description, it is probably unfair to apply human standards to a turkey vulture like yourself.

Sagittarius Your remarkable talent for procrastination will result in your winning the Nobel Prize For Literature Thrown Together At The Very Last Possible Minute.

Capricorn "In Between Days" is the best Cure song. That's all there is to it, and Capricorn doesn't want to hear any different.

Aquarius The psychologists running the tests are repulsed by the strength of your attraction to the wire mother.

Pisces Don't bother lying to the police when they pull you over next Friday. They'll have already figured out that the tank was stolen.

More Horoscope

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Horoscope for the week of December ... » (December 5, 2001)

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