Horoscope for the week of November 28, 2001

Horoscope ISSUE 37•43 Nov 28, 2001
  • Aries Your new romantic partner will turn out to be the best thing ever to happen to you. Please notice that we said "thing," not "person."
  • Taurus You really ought to have a close friend or family member explain the function of that roll of soft paper that hangs by the toilet as soon as possible.
  • Gemini Your view of history as a nightmare from which you are trying to escape seems awfully pretentious, as no one will remember you five minutes from now.
  • Cancer The lifetime supply of Twinkies you won in that contest turns out to be only half a box, indicating that the Hostess corporation knows something you don't.
  • Leo The stars foretell a glorious and prosperous future for you during this year's Zodiacal Sweeps Week.
  • Virgo Technically, what you're having is not a shotgun wedding. Those are when someone else has the shotgun.
  • Libra You will be banned from the nation's highways after catastrophically failing your federally mandated crash test.
  • Scorpio Though your dietary habits are disgusting beyond description, it is probably unfair to apply human standards to a turkey vulture like yourself.
  • Sagittarius Your remarkable talent for procrastination will result in your winning the Nobel Prize For Literature Thrown Together At The Very Last Possible Minute.
  • Capricorn "In Between Days" is the best Cure song. That's all there is to it, and Capricorn doesn't want to hear any different.
  • Aquarius The psychologists running the tests are repulsed by the strength of your attraction to the wire mother.
  • Pisces Don't bother lying to the police when they pull you over next Friday. They'll have already figured out that the tank was stolen.