Horoscope for the week of November 29, 2000

Horoscope ISSUE 36•43 Nov 29, 2000
  • Aries Be on your guard this Tuesday: It will feel suspiciously like a Thursday.
  • Taurus Your plan to cash in by pretending to be the long-lost offspring of a celebrity fails when a jury notices you look nothing like Bigmouth Billy Bass.
  • Gemini You find yourself with a career in academia when a banana peel puts you in the physics, comedy, and medical textbooks.
  • Cancer A longstanding neurosis will disappear this week when, during pillow talk, your mother assures you that your Oedipal complex is imaginary.
  • Leo You will lose the respect of your fellow wizards when your "Magic Pancakes" turn out to be normal pancakes made with sour cream instead of buttermilk.
  • Virgo The stars indicate through subtle, non-verbal cues that you have the worst bad breath they've ever encountered.
  • Libra The "arrogance and hubris" you display by choosing a cabinet is noted to the press by your spouse, who has not yet decided if the two of you are getting a new kitchen.
  • Scorpio Ballistics tests conducted by top experts in the field will reveal that you throw like a goddamn girl.
  • Sagittarius Your refusal to become a team player is a disappointment to the others in your sign. Remember, it's not Sagittari-you.
  • Capricorn Your growing paranoia is all in your mindñjust ask the KGB field operative who turned you into a top double agent.
  • Aquarius It's time to start acting your age: When most people turn 87, they've been dead a couple years.
  • Pisces You are mystified by everyone's ability to deduce your musical tastes, political beliefs, and sexual habits from your sweater-vests.