• Aries Though you try to follow the teachings of your odd religion, you have trouble with the parable that instructs you to enjoy being hit twice in the face.
  • Taurus The stars say your broken heart will heal with time, but they aren't anywhere near as confident about that femur.
  • Gemini You will go down in history as the brave soul who started the revolution in home theater in your neighborhood.
  • Cancer You will face the painful realization that you're not as important as you had thought when your boss finds someone else to work the deep-greaser this Sunday.
  • Leo You will gradually come to realize that maybe those people didn't actually want to be freed from the group home.
  • Virgo Act surprised all you want, but you know damn well why hockey great Theoren Fleury is waiting on your doorstep with flowers and candy.
  • Libra Some days it doesn't seem like you can do anything right. This could be because you are a fat, bumbling comic foil.
  • Scorpio Your body is going through some strange changes right now, but don't try to fight them: One way or another, that baby's got to come out.
  • Sagittarius The stars indicate that if you keep eating all those candy bars, you're going to turn into a candy bar yourself. Oh, okay, your mom actually says that.
  • Capricorn Try not to go around preaching against eating other humans while wearing a jacket made of their skins.
  • Aquarius Try to avoid passing judgment on others, unless you happen to be a judge. Then, of course, it's okay.
  • Pisces The moon is in Pisces this week, but so is half a bottle of Jameson's, so don't believe anything Pisces says for a while.