Horoscope

11.03.99 | ISSUE 35•40

  • Aries Though you try to follow the teachings of your odd religion, you have trouble with the parable that instructs you to enjoy being hit twice in the face.
  • Taurus The stars say your broken heart will heal with time, but they aren't anywhere near as confident about that femur.
  • Gemini You will go down in history as the brave soul who started the revolution in home theater in your neighborhood.
  • Cancer You will face the painful realization that you're not as important as you had thought when your boss finds someone else to work the deep-greaser this Sunday.
  • Leo You will gradually come to realize that maybe those people didn't actually want to be freed from the group home.
  • Virgo Act surprised all you want, but you know damn well why hockey great Theoren Fleury is waiting on your doorstep with flowers and candy.
  • Libra Some days it doesn't seem like you can do anything right. This could be because you are a fat, bumbling comic foil.
  • Scorpio Your body is going through some strange changes right now, but don't try to fight them: One way or another, that baby's got to come out.
  • Sagittarius The stars indicate that if you keep eating all those candy bars, you're going to turn into a candy bar yourself. Oh, okay, your mom actually says that.
  • Capricorn Try not to go around preaching against eating other humans while wearing a jacket made of their skins.
  • Aquarius Try to avoid passing judgment on others, unless you happen to be a judge. Then, of course, it's okay.
  • Pisces The moon is in Pisces this week, but so is half a bottle of Jameson's, so don't believe anything Pisces says for a while.

    • Past Horoscopes

    • February 7, 2012

      Aries The universe, in all its wisdom, has a plan for everyone. Strangely, you're supposed to be the nun who holds up a distributor cap and winks while the Nazis try to start their car. Taurus That person you've been see...

    • January 31, 2012

      Aries You've got tough row to hoe in front of you this week, which seems like merely a folksy euphemism until you find you've inherited a run-down potato farm. Taurus Conflicts at work and at home are cleared up instantl...

    • January 24, 2012

      Aries Your death next week will seem in­explicable until people remember the ill-advised 1985 "cross your heart and hope to die" pledge you made to be best friends with Jenny Bosben. Taurus Your fear of pub...

    • January 17, 2012

      Aries Jupiter rising in your sign is usually an indicator of prosperous ambitions, but when it just keeps coming right at you, it becomes downright terrifying. Taurus You have yet to find a love worthy of your unique aff...

    • January 10, 2012

      Aries You're not sure if your new mousetrap is better, but due to its horrifying use of liquefying blades, the world will beat a path to your door out of sheer morbid curiosity. Taurus You'll need to find new solutions t...

    • January 3, 2012

      Aries To improve your spiritual health, avoid the myriad temptations of the flesh. This is most easily accomplished by repeating the word "flesh" over and over until it creeps you out. Taurus Most accidents occ...

    • December 6, 2011

      Aries Sleep will continue to elude you this week, so keep binging on coffee and amphetamines until you have enough energy to catch it. Taurus You're not the sort of person who panics easily, which will keep you from gett...

    • November 15, 2011

      Aries They say your problem is inoperable, but they're wrong: It's just incurable. Go ahead and do all the operating you want. Taurus You've never believed you were the poisoning type, but judging from all the news cover...

    • November 8, 2011

      Aries A shocking revelation will shake you to the core of your being this week, which is odd, because it's merely the fact that the Doobie Brothers aren't actual brothers. Taurus Betrayal, treason, and vile cal-umny will...

    See All Horoscopes
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