Aries The stars will weep over your plight this week, which will offer little comfort, as their tears are made of excruciatingly hot stellar plasma.
Taurus If you notice your fate is a little off this week, it's because Sagittarius is covering Taurus' shifts through the weekend while he visits his cousin. Hope that's cool.
Gemini The same old solution to life's problems isn't working for you anymore. Try soaking the stuff in embalming fluid and letting it dry before you smoke it.
Cancer Before you criticize those around you, try walking a mile in their shoes. Or any shoes, for that matter, you filthy hillbilly.
Leo Be secure in the knowledge that we're all part of a plan, but be thankful that you're ignorant of its cruel, bloody particulars.
Virgo Your real name will eventually be forgotten, but you will enter the American folk mythos as The Woman With Great Hair Who Still Couldn't Keep A Man.
Libra You're not very good at applying Newton's Laws to your daily life, which is why you threw a 16-pound shot-put straight up in the air a moment ago.
Scorpio The old saw "There's snow on the roof, but there's a fire in the furnace" will suit you well this week, when you're transformed into a cabin in the Laramie range.
Sagittarius You'll miraculously survive a plummet from the top of a major skyscraper, leaving you with the unpleasant job of climbing up all those stairs again.
Capricorn The population crisis, with its attendant housing and food shortages, will offer you an increased probability of finally getting a roommate who isn't a big old fatty.
Aquarius The only significant enemy of the race of man is man. That said, it wouldn't hurt to avoid packs of jackals for the next week.
Pisces The tiny storm clouds that hovered over you all last week will be replaced by a tiny, brightly shining sun, which will instantly incinerate your head.
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