• Aries The stars will weep over your plight this week, which will offer little comfort, as their tears are made of excruciatingly hot stellar plasma.
  • Taurus If you notice your fate is a little off this week, it's because Sagittarius is covering Taurus' shifts through the weekend while he visits his cousin. Hope that's cool.
  • Gemini The same old solution to life's problems isn't working for you anymore. Try soaking the stuff in embalming fluid and letting it dry before you smoke it.
  • Cancer Before you criticize those around you, try walking a mile in their shoes. Or any shoes, for that matter, you filthy hillbilly.
  • Leo Be secure in the knowledge that we're all part of a plan, but be thankful that you're ignorant of its cruel, bloody particulars.
  • Virgo Your real name will eventually be forgotten, but you will enter the American folk mythos as The Woman With Great Hair Who Still Couldn't Keep A Man.
  • Libra You're not very good at applying Newton's Laws to your daily life, which is why you threw a 16-pound shot-put straight up in the air a moment ago.
  • Scorpio The old saw "There's snow on the roof, but there's a fire in the furnace" will suit you well this week, when you're transformed into a cabin in the Laramie range.
  • Sagittarius You'll miraculously survive a plummet from the top of a major skyscraper, leaving you with the unpleasant job of climbing up all those stairs again.
  • Capricorn The population crisis, with its attendant housing and food shortages, will offer you an increased probability of finally getting a roommate who isn't a big old fatty.
  • Aquarius The only significant enemy of the race of man is man. That said, it wouldn't hurt to avoid packs of jackals for the next week.
  • Pisces The tiny storm clouds that hovered over you all last week will be replaced by a tiny, brightly shining sun, which will instantly incinerate your head.