• Aries After your gory suicide, Newsweek will run your picture on its cover with the headline, “At Last!”
  • Taurus Foolish pride will embroil you in a harebrained scheme to transport beer from Texarkana to Atlanta, just to show up the folks who say it can’t be done.
  • Gemini You become the target of a lengthy FBI investigation after the “marital aids” you sell via mail-order turn out to be nothing more than severed human hands and feet.
  • Cancer Your faith in the church is shaken forever when, while watching television, you notice yourself on the Fox program America’s Most Pathetic Confessions.
  • Leo The call to share your message of love, compassion and tolerance with the world has finally come. Do not under any circumstances respond.
  • Virgo Spend less time worrying about your body. Spend more time on your ratty hair.
  • Libra A phone psychic will tell you not to believe your horoscope this week, but don’t believe her. Psychics are hucksters whose fortune-telling is rooted in superstition, and who make a living telling the gullible what they want to hear.
  • Scorpio You will be committed for your own protection after doctors determine that you are crazy about a Ford truck.
  • Sagittarius The government will institute a policy of scapegoating all Sagittarians this week, plunging you into action and adventure at a relocation camp.
  • Capricorn Your failure to follow last week’s horoscope has resulted in the loss of thousands of innocent lives.
  • Aquarius Though the liquid-soap commercials continue to annoy you, you will not get up to change the channel.
  • Pisces An accident at the Pocono Mountain mansion of a prominent industrialist may be a cover-up for murder. Can Pisces get to the bottom of it? Find out next week on Pisces!