Aries After your gory suicide, Newsweek will run your picture on its cover with the headline, “At Last!”
Taurus Foolish pride will embroil you in a harebrained scheme to transport beer from Texarkana to Atlanta, just to show up the folks who say it can’t be done.
Gemini You become the target of a lengthy FBI investigation after the “marital aids” you sell via mail-order turn out to be nothing more than severed human hands and feet.
Cancer Your faith in the church is shaken forever when, while watching television, you notice yourself on the Fox program America’s Most Pathetic Confessions.
Leo The call to share your message of love, compassion and tolerance with the world has finally come. Do not under any circumstances respond.
Virgo Spend less time worrying about your body. Spend more time on your ratty hair.
Libra A phone psychic will tell you not to believe your horoscope this week, but don’t believe her. Psychics are hucksters whose fortune-telling is rooted in superstition, and who make a living telling the gullible what they want to hear.
Scorpio You will be committed for your own protection after doctors determine that you are crazy about a Ford truck.
Sagittarius The government will institute a policy of scapegoating all Sagittarians this week, plunging you into action and adventure at a relocation camp.
Capricorn Your failure to follow last week’s horoscope has resulted in the loss of thousands of innocent lives.
Aquarius Though the liquid-soap commercials continue to annoy you, you will not get up to change the channel.
Pisces An accident at the Pocono Mountain mansion of a prominent industrialist may be a cover-up for murder. Can Pisces get to the bottom of it? Find out next week on Pisces!