Aries Mercury’s transit of your sign, along with a grand conjunction of stars in Virgo, indicates that temperatures will soon plummet and ice crystals will fall from the sky.
Taurus You will achieve fame and fortune this week as an important player in the bloody, cinematic Taurus Murder Case.
Gemini You will be ground into powder, cut with baby formula and sniffed this week when Hunter S. Thompson mistakes you for high-grade Peruvian cocaine.
Cancer You will inspire a nationwide dance craze this week when a routine roadside tire-change results in your accidental invention of the Texas Barbed-Wire Howdy.
Leo Your nightmarish descent into alcoholism and drug abuse will actually turn out to be a lot more fun than expected.
Virgo The stars see nothing but happy days ahead of you, but they are a bunch of irascible, untrustworthy drunks who can’t hold down real jobs.
Libra A late-night escapade involving a hookah, $1,200 in small bills, an incontinent college cheerleader, and a glass coffee table will leave you feeling jaded but happy.
Scorpio You will initially be angry with your neighbor for calling you a coprophiliac, but you wind up sheepishly apologizing when you discover he was, in fact, correct.
Sagittarius The stars indicate that you will not stop crying hysterically all week, but don’t worry: You will have an extremely good reason for doing so.
Capricorn You finally earn the respect of your superiors this week when they notice that you are beginning to show signs of advanced tool-using behavior.
Aquarius Your campaign for coroner will be ruined when your opponent accuses you of not actually liking dead bodies all that much.
Pisces Your life will be full of romance and non-stop laughs next week, thanks to your uncanny talent for renting pretty good movies.
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