Horoscope

11.04.98 | ISSUE 34•14

  • Aries Mercury’s transit of your sign, along with a grand conjunction of stars in Virgo, indicates that temperatures will soon plummet and ice crystals will fall from the sky.
  • Taurus You will achieve fame and fortune this week as an important player in the bloody, cinematic Taurus Murder Case.
  • Gemini You will be ground into powder, cut with baby formula and sniffed this week when Hunter S. Thompson mistakes you for high-grade Peruvian cocaine.
  • Cancer You will inspire a nationwide dance craze this week when a routine roadside tire-change results in your accidental invention of the Texas Barbed-Wire Howdy.
  • Leo Your nightmarish descent into alcoholism and drug abuse will actually turn out to be a lot more fun than expected.
  • Virgo The stars see nothing but happy days ahead of you, but they are a bunch of irascible, untrustworthy drunks who can’t hold down real jobs.
  • Libra A late-night escapade involving a hookah, $1,200 in small bills, an incontinent college cheerleader, and a glass coffee table will leave you feeling jaded but happy.
  • Scorpio You will initially be angry with your neighbor for calling you a coprophiliac, but you wind up sheepishly apologizing when you discover he was, in fact, correct.
  • Sagittarius The stars indicate that you will not stop crying hysterically all week, but don’t worry: You will have an extremely good reason for doing so.
  • Capricorn You finally earn the respect of your superiors this week when they notice that you are beginning to show signs of advanced tool-using behavior.
  • Aquarius Your campaign for coroner will be ruined when your opponent accuses you of not actually liking dead bodies all that much.
  • Pisces Your life will be full of romance and non-stop laughs next week, thanks to your uncanny talent for renting pretty good movies.

    • Past Horoscopes

    • February 7, 2012

      Aries The universe, in all its wisdom, has a plan for everyone. Strangely, you're supposed to be the nun who holds up a distributor cap and winks while the Nazis try to start their car. Taurus That person you've been see...

    • January 31, 2012

      Aries You've got tough row to hoe in front of you this week, which seems like merely a folksy euphemism until you find you've inherited a run-down potato farm. Taurus Conflicts at work and at home are cleared up instantl...

    • January 24, 2012

      Aries Your death next week will seem in­explicable until people remember the ill-advised 1985 "cross your heart and hope to die" pledge you made to be best friends with Jenny Bosben. Taurus Your fear of pub...

    • January 17, 2012

      Aries Jupiter rising in your sign is usually an indicator of prosperous ambitions, but when it just keeps coming right at you, it becomes downright terrifying. Taurus You have yet to find a love worthy of your unique aff...

    • January 10, 2012

      Aries You're not sure if your new mousetrap is better, but due to its horrifying use of liquefying blades, the world will beat a path to your door out of sheer morbid curiosity. Taurus You'll need to find new solutions t...

    • January 3, 2012

      Aries To improve your spiritual health, avoid the myriad temptations of the flesh. This is most easily accomplished by repeating the word "flesh" over and over until it creeps you out. Taurus Most accidents occ...

    • December 6, 2011

      Aries Sleep will continue to elude you this week, so keep binging on coffee and amphetamines until you have enough energy to catch it. Taurus You're not the sort of person who panics easily, which will keep you from gett...

    • November 15, 2011

      Aries They say your problem is inoperable, but they're wrong: It's just incurable. Go ahead and do all the operating you want. Taurus You've never believed you were the poisoning type, but judging from all the news cover...

    • November 8, 2011

      Aries A shocking revelation will shake you to the core of your being this week, which is odd, because it's merely the fact that the Doobie Brothers aren't actual brothers. Taurus Betrayal, treason, and vile cal-umny will...

    See All Horoscopes
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