• Aries Mercury’s transit of your sign, along with a grand conjunction of stars in Virgo, indicates that temperatures will soon plummet and ice crystals will fall from the sky.
  • Taurus You will achieve fame and fortune this week as an important player in the bloody, cinematic Taurus Murder Case.
  • Gemini You will be ground into powder, cut with baby formula and sniffed this week when Hunter S. Thompson mistakes you for high-grade Peruvian cocaine.
  • Cancer You will inspire a nationwide dance craze this week when a routine roadside tire-change results in your accidental invention of the Texas Barbed-Wire Howdy.
  • Leo Your nightmarish descent into alcoholism and drug abuse will actually turn out to be a lot more fun than expected.
  • Virgo The stars see nothing but happy days ahead of you, but they are a bunch of irascible, untrustworthy drunks who can’t hold down real jobs.
  • Libra A late-night escapade involving a hookah, $1,200 in small bills, an incontinent college cheerleader, and a glass coffee table will leave you feeling jaded but happy.
  • Scorpio You will initially be angry with your neighbor for calling you a coprophiliac, but you wind up sheepishly apologizing when you discover he was, in fact, correct.
  • Sagittarius The stars indicate that you will not stop crying hysterically all week, but don’t worry: You will have an extremely good reason for doing so.
  • Capricorn You finally earn the respect of your superiors this week when they notice that you are beginning to show signs of advanced tool-using behavior.
  • Aquarius Your campaign for coroner will be ruined when your opponent accuses you of not actually liking dead bodies all that much.
  • Pisces Your life will be full of romance and non-stop laughs next week, thanks to your uncanny talent for renting pretty good movies.