• Aries Your encyclopedic knowledge of all the latest Kevorkian jokes inexplicably fails to bring you love this week.
  • Taurus A sudden sneeze while holding the forceps during your girlfriend's nipple-piercing will do wonders for her archery career.
  • Gemini If you are truly making an effort to be more thoughtful, remember that killing yourself will save your family a lot of money, effort and drawn-out legal hassles.
  • Cancer You will be found guilty in the murder of Pliny the Elder—despite the fact that he died 3,000 years before your alleged bath-house tryst.
  • Leo Your fussy appetite, lack of table manners and chronic belching will result in a lifetime banishment from all Sizzler steakhouses.
  • Virgo Explore new frontiers of togetherness with your loved ones. Invite them to share a bout of dropsy with you.
  • Libra A mistake in your will results in the words "Please Take One" being chiseled into your tombstone.
  • Scorpio Your congregation will hold you up as an object of shame and ridicule when Amy Grant calls you a blaspheming sinner during the live telecast of the 1996 Dove Awards.
  • Sagittarius Politicians, cartographers and your town's Better Business Bureau will unite in their refusal to refer to your house as the Land Of Much Ass.
  • Capricorn Your refusal to Super-Size your meal for only 39 cents will ultimately result in your starvation.
  • Aquarius A genie will grant you a million dollars if you go an entire week without thinking of the word "hoopty."
  • Pisces You are unlikely to meet any former Tonight Show hosts this week, with the possible exception of Steve Allen.