Aries Your foolproof plan to rob the biggest bank in town goes sour when you overestimate your friends' loyalty, trust the wrong woman, and oversleep.
Taurus You'll be banned from both the rock and the shipping scenes after a newspaper feature exposes your hideous double life as a guitarist and Mail Boxes Etc. clerk.
Gemini You've often speculated on what other useful implements Captain Hook could have equipped, and you'll soon have the opportunity to marry thought to action.
Cancer When choosing an autumnal flower arrangement, consider the cooler blues of cornflowers or chicory, as well as the traditional warmer fall colors, you sissy.
Leo Half the battle is knowing when to give up. This is a special new saying the stars coined with just you in mind.
Virgo Technology will once again surpass you when you use coherent light to illustrate points in your incoherent presentation.
Libra The beard does give you an air of evil, but it's the evil of neglect, not the evil of strength.
Scorpio Your insistence on doing things for yourself is admirable, but bystanders have been trying to help you up off the sidewalk for two hours now.
Sagittarius You hadn't wanted to live out your parents' dreams, but since they're the kind of dreams where you live in effortless luxury, it's no big deal, really.
Capricorn You've certainly robbed the cradle this time, so that six-state FBI search for you and the baby is entirely justified.
Aquarius A financial windfall means that you're not only able to speak your mind to the world, but also able to hire "Macho Man" Randy Savage to do it for you.
Pisces The stars would like to thank you for supplying vital comic relief, but you're being killed off in order to add another audience-identification character.
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