Horoscope for the week of November 5, 2003

Horoscope ISSUE 39•43 Nov 5, 2003
  • Aries Your foolproof plan to rob the biggest bank in town goes sour when you overestimate your friends' loyalty, trust the wrong woman, and oversleep.
  • Taurus You'll be banned from both the rock and the shipping scenes after a newspaper feature exposes your hideous double life as a guitarist and Mail Boxes Etc. clerk.
  • Gemini You've often speculated on what other useful implements Captain Hook could have equipped, and you'll soon have the opportunity to marry thought to action.
  • Cancer When choosing an autumnal flower arrangement, consider the cooler blues of cornflowers or chicory, as well as the traditional warmer fall colors, you sissy.
  • Leo Half the battle is knowing when to give up. This is a special new saying the stars coined with just you in mind.
  • Virgo Technology will once again surpass you when you use coherent light to illustrate points in your incoherent presentation.
  • Libra The beard does give you an air of evil, but it's the evil of neglect, not the evil of strength.
  • Scorpio Your insistence on doing things for yourself is admirable, but bystanders have been trying to help you up off the sidewalk for two hours now.
  • Sagittarius You hadn't wanted to live out your parents' dreams, but since they're the kind of dreams where you live in effortless luxury, it's no big deal, really.
  • Capricorn You've certainly robbed the cradle this time, so that six-state FBI search for you and the baby is entirely justified.
  • Aquarius A financial windfall means that you're not only able to speak your mind to the world, but also able to hire "Macho Man" Randy Savage to do it for you.
  • Pisces The stars would like to thank you for supplying vital comic relief, but you're being killed off in order to add another audience-identification character.