• Aries After a grisly incident next week, specialists will need to use your dental records to identify all your cavities.
  • Taurus The forgiveness of the Lord is nigh-infinite. Unfortunately for you, the "nigh" part seems to include animal mutilation, child vandalism, and personal arson.
  • Gemini Just so you know what to tell the doctor: Separation anxiety is not what you feel when all your major joints are separated.
  • Cancer Your natural abilities will be put to good use when you are chosen by leaders of 12 countries to head the U.N. insecurity Council.
  • Leo Next thing you know, Old Jed's a millionaire, but you'll be damned if you can figure out how he did it.
  • Virgo Your small town will ban all dancing after witnessing your ungainly attempts at that "Ketchup Song" dance.
  • Libra The stars would love to help you realize your cosmic destiny, but they got their copy of Grand Theft Auto: Vice City, and it's freakin' awesome.
  • Scorpio In spite of your complaints about how undignified it was and your repeated professions of shame, you still kind of enjoyed sleeping with the fat girl.
  • Sagittarius A soon-to-be-released university study will show that you are less likely to refuse offers of drugs than anyone in the known universe.
  • Capricorn You will be surprised by the lack of approval you elicit after saying "Don't blame me, I voted for Nader."
  • Aquarius Though Boyle's Third Law is certainly important, you don't need to apply it to every situation you encounter.
  • Pisces The judge will declare a mistrial in your capital-murder case, not for any legal reason but out of a desire to listen to Lou Reed's Mistrial.