Horoscope

11.06.02 | ISSUE 38•41

  • Aries After a grisly incident next week, specialists will need to use your dental records to identify all your cavities.
  • Taurus The forgiveness of the Lord is nigh-infinite. Unfortunately for you, the "nigh" part seems to include animal mutilation, child vandalism, and personal arson.
  • Gemini Just so you know what to tell the doctor: Separation anxiety is not what you feel when all your major joints are separated.
  • Cancer Your natural abilities will be put to good use when you are chosen by leaders of 12 countries to head the U.N. insecurity Council.
  • Leo Next thing you know, Old Jed's a millionaire, but you'll be damned if you can figure out how he did it.
  • Virgo Your small town will ban all dancing after witnessing your ungainly attempts at that "Ketchup Song" dance.
  • Libra The stars would love to help you realize your cosmic destiny, but they got their copy of Grand Theft Auto: Vice City, and it's freakin' awesome.
  • Scorpio In spite of your complaints about how undignified it was and your repeated professions of shame, you still kind of enjoyed sleeping with the fat girl.
  • Sagittarius A soon-to-be-released university study will show that you are less likely to refuse offers of drugs than anyone in the known universe.
  • Capricorn You will be surprised by the lack of approval you elicit after saying "Don't blame me, I voted for Nader."
  • Aquarius Though Boyle's Third Law is certainly important, you don't need to apply it to every situation you encounter.
  • Pisces The judge will declare a mistrial in your capital-murder case, not for any legal reason but out of a desire to listen to Lou Reed's Mistrial.

    • Past Horoscopes

    • February 7, 2012

      Aries The universe, in all its wisdom, has a plan for everyone. Strangely, you're supposed to be the nun who holds up a distributor cap and winks while the Nazis try to start their car. Taurus That person you've been see...

    • January 31, 2012

      Aries You've got tough row to hoe in front of you this week, which seems like merely a folksy euphemism until you find you've inherited a run-down potato farm. Taurus Conflicts at work and at home are cleared up instantl...

    • January 24, 2012

      Aries Your death next week will seem in­explicable until people remember the ill-advised 1985 "cross your heart and hope to die" pledge you made to be best friends with Jenny Bosben. Taurus Your fear of pub...

    • January 17, 2012

      Aries Jupiter rising in your sign is usually an indicator of prosperous ambitions, but when it just keeps coming right at you, it becomes downright terrifying. Taurus You have yet to find a love worthy of your unique aff...

    • January 10, 2012

      Aries You're not sure if your new mousetrap is better, but due to its horrifying use of liquefying blades, the world will beat a path to your door out of sheer morbid curiosity. Taurus You'll need to find new solutions t...

    • January 3, 2012

      Aries To improve your spiritual health, avoid the myriad temptations of the flesh. This is most easily accomplished by repeating the word "flesh" over and over until it creeps you out. Taurus Most accidents occ...

    • December 6, 2011

      Aries Sleep will continue to elude you this week, so keep binging on coffee and amphetamines until you have enough energy to catch it. Taurus You're not the sort of person who panics easily, which will keep you from gett...

    • November 15, 2011

      Aries They say your problem is inoperable, but they're wrong: It's just incurable. Go ahead and do all the operating you want. Taurus You've never believed you were the poisoning type, but judging from all the news cover...

    • November 8, 2011

      Aries A shocking revelation will shake you to the core of your being this week, which is odd, because it's merely the fact that the Doobie Brothers aren't actual brothers. Taurus Betrayal, treason, and vile cal-umny will...

    See All Horoscopes
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