Aries After a grisly incident next week, specialists will need to use your dental records to identify all your cavities.
Taurus The forgiveness of the Lord is nigh-infinite. Unfortunately for you, the "nigh" part seems to include animal mutilation, child vandalism, and personal arson.
Gemini Just so you know what to tell the doctor: Separation anxiety is not what you feel when all your major joints are separated.
Cancer Your natural abilities will be put to good use when you are chosen by leaders of 12 countries to head the U.N. insecurity Council.
Leo Next thing you know, Old Jed's a millionaire, but you'll be damned if you can figure out how he did it.
Virgo Your small town will ban all dancing after witnessing your ungainly attempts at that "Ketchup Song" dance.
Libra The stars would love to help you realize your cosmic destiny, but they got their copy of Grand Theft Auto: Vice City, and it's freakin' awesome.
Scorpio In spite of your complaints about how undignified it was and your repeated professions of shame, you still kind of enjoyed sleeping with the fat girl.
Sagittarius A soon-to-be-released university study will show that you are less likely to refuse offers of drugs than anyone in the known universe.
Capricorn You will be surprised by the lack of approval you elicit after saying "Don't blame me, I voted for Nader."
Aquarius Though Boyle's Third Law is certainly important, you don't need to apply it to every situation you encounter.
Pisces The judge will declare a mistrial in your capital-murder case, not for any legal reason but out of a desire to listen to Lou Reed's Mistrial.
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