• Aries As an alternative to cancellation, the stars have decided to cut costs by presenting your future in black-and-white.
  • Taurus You can't shake the feeling that your friends and co-workers discuss your misshapen hump and antlers when you're not around.
  • Gemini True inner peace eludes you when you eat seven chorizo-guacamole tacos with extra hot sauce.
  • Cancer The nation's top onomatopoeia experts will be summoned to describe the wet, cracking, splattery sound you made when you finally hit the pavement.
  • Leo You're not just "big-boned." And it's not glandular. And you can help it. Also, that's not just a cold sore.
  • Virgo It's not true that nobody understands your pain. After all, you've been telling people about it for years.
  • Libra Your Thanksgiving plans are dashed when you learn that there has already been a "Libra killer."
  • Scorpio You will spend this weekend trying to come to grips with the awful fact that the American people could elect such a loser on your birthday.
  • Sagittarius You are blessed with great luck to live in a society that feels obligated to try and save your incompetent, drunk ass from its own failings.
  • Capricorn Things may look bad, but this is no time for Cancer to panic. Just put the gun down and trust the officer with the megaphone. He wants to help you.
  • Aquarius You're beginning to realize that, even though your telemarketing job is a good start, it's not as ghoulishly evil as you'd like.
  • Pisces After 20 years of searching, you are forced to admit that there just isn't anything good on TV.