Horoscope

11.08.00 | ISSUE 36•40

  • Aries As an alternative to cancellation, the stars have decided to cut costs by presenting your future in black-and-white.
  • Taurus You can't shake the feeling that your friends and co-workers discuss your misshapen hump and antlers when you're not around.
  • Gemini True inner peace eludes you when you eat seven chorizo-guacamole tacos with extra hot sauce.
  • Cancer The nation's top onomatopoeia experts will be summoned to describe the wet, cracking, splattery sound you made when you finally hit the pavement.
  • Leo You're not just "big-boned." And it's not glandular. And you can help it. Also, that's not just a cold sore.
  • Virgo It's not true that nobody understands your pain. After all, you've been telling people about it for years.
  • Libra Your Thanksgiving plans are dashed when you learn that there has already been a "Libra killer."
  • Scorpio You will spend this weekend trying to come to grips with the awful fact that the American people could elect such a loser on your birthday.
  • Sagittarius You are blessed with great luck to live in a society that feels obligated to try and save your incompetent, drunk ass from its own failings.
  • Capricorn Things may look bad, but this is no time for Cancer to panic. Just put the gun down and trust the officer with the megaphone. He wants to help you.
  • Aquarius You're beginning to realize that, even though your telemarketing job is a good start, it's not as ghoulishly evil as you'd like.
  • Pisces After 20 years of searching, you are forced to admit that there just isn't anything good on TV.

    • Past Horoscopes

    • February 7, 2012

      Aries The universe, in all its wisdom, has a plan for everyone. Strangely, you're supposed to be the nun who holds up a distributor cap and winks while the Nazis try to start their car. Taurus That person you've been see...

    • January 31, 2012

      Aries You've got tough row to hoe in front of you this week, which seems like merely a folksy euphemism until you find you've inherited a run-down potato farm. Taurus Conflicts at work and at home are cleared up instantl...

    • January 24, 2012

      Aries Your death next week will seem in­explicable until people remember the ill-advised 1985 "cross your heart and hope to die" pledge you made to be best friends with Jenny Bosben. Taurus Your fear of pub...

    • January 17, 2012

      Aries Jupiter rising in your sign is usually an indicator of prosperous ambitions, but when it just keeps coming right at you, it becomes downright terrifying. Taurus You have yet to find a love worthy of your unique aff...

    • January 10, 2012

      Aries You're not sure if your new mousetrap is better, but due to its horrifying use of liquefying blades, the world will beat a path to your door out of sheer morbid curiosity. Taurus You'll need to find new solutions t...

    • January 3, 2012

      Aries To improve your spiritual health, avoid the myriad temptations of the flesh. This is most easily accomplished by repeating the word "flesh" over and over until it creeps you out. Taurus Most accidents occ...

    • December 6, 2011

      Aries Sleep will continue to elude you this week, so keep binging on coffee and amphetamines until you have enough energy to catch it. Taurus You're not the sort of person who panics easily, which will keep you from gett...

    • November 15, 2011

      Aries They say your problem is inoperable, but they're wrong: It's just incurable. Go ahead and do all the operating you want. Taurus You've never believed you were the poisoning type, but judging from all the news cover...

    • November 8, 2011

      Aries A shocking revelation will shake you to the core of your being this week, which is odd, because it's merely the fact that the Doobie Brothers aren't actual brothers. Taurus Betrayal, treason, and vile cal-umny will...

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