Aries Later, you'll realize that there was no need to rearrange the opossum to make it look like an accident.
Taurus The chaos of Fashion Week is over, but one truth has surfaced: Both you and Betsy Johnson should be forced into exile.
Gemini You will cry because you have no shoes, despite being told some sappy "footless man" story that doesn't make your shoeless condition any more acceptable.
Cancer You have grown fat on the blood of the innocent, which, as it turns out, is the main ingredient in that white cream inside Twinkies.
Leo Please stop using the "check please!" hand gesture to get the attention of the waitstaff, you insufferable prick.
Virgo Your life's longtime correspondence to country-music lyrics will become terrifying when you hear Red Sovine's "Phantom 309."
Libra You can either be part of the problem or part of the solution, but in the end, being part of the problem is much more fun.
Scorpio Your belief that the earth is carried on the back of a giant turtle will seem silly, until you receive panicked, late-night phone calls from NASA herpetologists.
Sagittarius The worst of it all seems to be behind you, especially if you were serious about that whole "death would be a mercy at this point" thing.
Capricorn Stretching before exercise does not require a medieval rack and the services of two shirtless, hooded men, but that couldn't hurt.
Aquarius Self-employment has a lot of advantages, but one thing that hasn't changed is your fierce desire to shoot your fucking boss.
Pisces You're not the kind of man who can limit himself to just one woman bringing him pancakes.
0