• Aries Later, you'll realize that there was no need to rearrange the opossum to make it look like an accident.
  • Taurus The chaos of Fashion Week is over, but one truth has surfaced: Both you and Betsy Johnson should be forced into exile.
  • Gemini You will cry because you have no shoes, despite being told some sappy "footless man" story that doesn't make your shoeless condition any more acceptable.
  • Cancer You have grown fat on the blood of the innocent, which, as it turns out, is the main ingredient in that white cream inside Twinkies.
  • Leo Please stop using the "check please!" hand gesture to get the attention of the waitstaff, you insufferable prick.
  • Virgo Your life's longtime correspondence to country-music lyrics will become terrifying when you hear Red Sovine's "Phantom 309."
  • Libra You can either be part of the problem or part of the solution, but in the end, being part of the problem is much more fun.
  • Scorpio Your belief that the earth is carried on the back of a giant turtle will seem silly, until you receive panicked, late-night phone calls from NASA herpetologists.
  • Sagittarius The worst of it all seems to be behind you, especially if you were serious about that whole "death would be a mercy at this point" thing.
  • Capricorn Stretching before exercise does not require a medieval rack and the services of two shirtless, hooded men, but that couldn't hurt.
  • Aquarius Self-employment has a lot of advantages, but one thing that hasn't changed is your fierce desire to shoot your fucking boss.
  • Pisces You're not the kind of man who can limit himself to just one woman bringing him pancakes.