• Aries After enduring the false smiles and empty promises of the business world for 22 years, you'll appreciate the candor of the DEA agents assigned to you.
  • Taurus It seems like another sleepy day around your house. Unless, of course, you live at 332 Pheasant Drive in Yuma, AZ.
  • Gemini You've lost your enthusiasm, but you're unsure if it was "damped" or "dampened."
  • Cancer Cancer would like to take this opportunity to point out that it was right about the unrest in Yugoslavia.
  • Leo Though you've been telling everyone that you "went down on a boatload of sailors," the aircraft carrier Nimitz is actually a "ship."
  • Virgo You will make religious and scientific history when you develop a machine that converts standard English measurements to Islam.
  • Libra While it's true that life is not a movie, many of your problems will be solved when the Army destroys the giant lizard 10 minutes before the end.
  • Scorpio Things have certainly changed for you during these last few years. For one thing, eating a complete breakfast is now more important than ever.
  • Sagittarius You will be hailed as a Catholic genius when you invent a new rhythm that's 45 percent effective in preventing non-predestined pregnancies.
  • Capricorn You will be one step closer to perfection when famed Italian engineer Massimo Bordi redesigns you for better airflow and optimal fuel atomization.
  • Aquarius Wednesday will provide those who know you a perfect opportunity to marvel about how right Dante was about the fate of moneylenders.
  • Pisces The stars indicate success for you, but they do so with enough ambiguity to cover any possible alternatives.