Horoscope for the week of October 11, 2000

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Aries After enduring the false smiles and empty promises of the business world for 22 years, you'll appreciate the candor of the DEA agents assigned to you.

Taurus It seems like another sleepy day around your house. Unless, of course, you live at 332 Pheasant Drive in Yuma, AZ.

Gemini You've lost your enthusiasm, but you're unsure if it was "damped" or "dampened."

Cancer Cancer would like to take this opportunity to point out that it was right about the unrest in Yugoslavia.

Leo Though you've been telling everyone that you "went down on a boatload of sailors," the aircraft carrier Nimitz is actually a "ship."

Virgo You will make religious and scientific history when you develop a machine that converts standard English measurements to Islam.

Libra While it's true that life is not a movie, many of your problems will be solved when the Army destroys the giant lizard 10 minutes before the end.

Scorpio Things have certainly changed for you during these last few years. For one thing, eating a complete breakfast is now more important than ever.

Sagittarius You will be hailed as a Catholic genius when you invent a new rhythm that's 45 percent effective in preventing non-predestined pregnancies.

Capricorn You will be one step closer to perfection when famed Italian engineer Massimo Bordi redesigns you for better airflow and optimal fuel atomization.

Aquarius Wednesday will provide those who know you a perfect opportunity to marvel about how right Dante was about the fate of moneylenders.

Pisces The stars indicate success for you, but they do so with enough ambiguity to cover any possible alternatives.

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