Horoscope for the week of October 13, 1999

Horoscope ISSUE 35•37 Oct 13, 1999
  • Aries Though a romantic escape may be in the cards for you, it will more likely be a German expressionist nightmare.
  • Taurus Try as you might, you will be unable to convince the judge that the big jewel heist was all the monkey's idea.
  • Gemini It's about time you recognized your spouse's value as a human being. Especially with human beings fetching such high prices in today's market.
  • Cancer Despite what some people might say, Christ did not die for your sins. He took care of yours with a mild case of hives.
  • Leo By taking the moral high road in a workplace conflict, you will arrive in moral Scotland long before your co-workers.
  • Virgo Both the moon and Jupiter are high in Virgo this week, which means they'll giggle a lot and eat big sandwiches.
  • Libra Your birthday this week means you should take time to ponder your lost youth. It isn't coming back, you know. Never, ever, ever. It's gone.
  • Scorpio You can see why people like coconut cream pie so much. It's really quite delicious, especially with chocolate sauce.
  • Sagittarius It's tempting to cry on a good friend's shoulder this week, but that's the easy way out. Don't settle for anything less than crying on a good friend's voluptuous buttocks.
  • Capricorn The stars cannot be bothered with your trivial life this week. They're important astral bodies with lots to do, you know.
  • Aquarius Aquarius refuses to tell you your future until it gets a better symbol than a guy with a jar. That symbol sucks.
  • Pisces What's on the other side of that mountain? How deep is the sea? Do otters eat humans? You'll learn the surprising answers to these questions this week.