Horoscope for the week of October 13, 2004

Horoscope ISSUE 40•41 Oct 13, 2004
  • Aries Your lack of life experience will become apparent this week when you propose a new ice-cream flavor based on the smooth, subtle taste of the vanilla bean.
  • Taurus Your stunning handbag and shoe lines will cause the other fashion houses to wonder why you even bother making dresses anymore.
  • Gemini Some say that to really know fried chicken, you have to have been raised in the South, which is a slap in the face to you, as you grew up in a KFC stockroom.
  • Cancer The greased-pig trick is a crass, sophomoric classic, but you'll raise it to an art form at Biosphere 2.
  • Leo You'll feel a lot better with warm clothes on your back and food in your stomach, proving that cannibalism has a couple things going for it.
  • Virgo Once again, the specter of war will dominate international news, preventing people the world over from learning how you made the world's largest apple pie.
  • Libra People don't keep statistics on things like being hit by dump trucks, but when they begin to, rest assured that your name will figure prominently.
  • Scorpio People say you lack the intensity and vision to rise above your own mediocrity, but you don't really see the problem with that.
  • Sagittarius You've done everything in your power to destroy ignorance among your fellow humans, but apparently, one of them is still dumb enough to marry Billy Joel.
  • Capricorn You'll be surprised when federal agents are able to obtain a warrant only hours after your children's book hits the shelves.
  • Aquarius For a moment, the stars will seem to take the shape of God, but onlookers will agree that God would not manifest Himself just to call you filthy names.
  • Pisces You may have started looking forward to your own death, but trust the Zodiac—it'll be no picnic.