• Aries Due to your high refractive index and low visible-light-absorption capacity, you will soon replace titanium dioxide as the world’s predominant white pigment.
  • Taurus Your skill at writing poetry mocking the headmaster of your preparatory academy will avail you well.
  • Gemini Though your impending death will be both humiliating and agonizingly painful, everyone involved will learn a little bit about themselves from the experience.
  • Cancer It has been a good life, but you always knew the day would come when the owls would catch up with you.
  • Leo You will be inundated with hugs and sappy platitudes when the other signs of the Zodiac mistake you for Leo Buscaglia.
  • Virgo Remember: Second-degree burns cause deep blistering, while third-degree burns destroy an entire layer of skin. You will soon need to know the difference.
  • Libra You will be the picture of sweetness and light this week, with gentle words for all. However, you're still pretty sure they all know.
  • Scorpio A simple misunderstanding involving you, a peanut butter and honey sandwich, and a chimpanzee leads to the precedent-setting Scorpio Monkey Trial.
  • Sagittarius You will discover the secret of life this week. However, it is the secret of Warren G. Harding's life and is, therefore, useless.
  • Capricorn Doom will be yours this week, unless you follow the stars' instructions to the letter. Due to space constraints, though, we must withhold those instructions until next week.
  • Aquarius The stars have decided it would spoil the whole thing if they told you about next Thursday's falling bucket of hot lard.
  • Pisces The significance of Jupiter's ascendancy in your sign is unclear, but don't worry—The last 80,000 times this happened, it didn’t mean a goddamned thing.